Satire | Rihanna, No More Indian Shaadis For You. Stop Meddling!

“RiRi, may we suggest a masterclass in desi patriotism that traces all mistakes ever made in India back to Nehru?”

Image of Rihanna and farmers’ protests used for representational purposes.

(Photo: Shruti Mathur / The Quint)

(Disclaimer: This is a work of satire.)

Rihanna did the unthinkable. She had the temerity to provoke our ‘shine like a diamond’ ‘bharatiya ratna’, winner of three national awards, Bollywood Queen — Kangana Ranaut. How dare the singer tweet her support for farmers’ protests!

RiRi was made to regret it immediately. Ms Ranaut shut her down like the Internet in Delhi NCR during the police-farmer clashes. But not before giving Rihanna a crash course on democracy by trivialising human rights concerns and dismissing dissenting voices as ‘Chinese agents’.

Only Ms Ranaut has endowed on herself the honour of sitting on a high horse and dismissing the agitating farmers as ‘terrorists’, dying to divide India like pizza slices.

She gets to decide how they are meant to feel about laws that give more agency to corporates than farmers. After all, agitating voices are just ‘wild thoughts!’

Rihanna, You’re Asking The Wrong Qs. Here’s What You Should Be Tweeting About

But Rihanna should not for a moment think she’s free to tweet about India from her high horse.

Since the lady is still in the dark about do’s and don'ts, here’s a list she should steer clear of:

• The protestors who died on Delhi borders.
• The village China has built 4.5kms inside Indian territory.
• A comedian, Munawar Faruqui, who is languishing in jail for a joke he never cracked.
• Pinjra Tod activist, Natasha Narwal, who will continue to remain in jail for communal violence she did not incite.
• And so many other human rights activists and social workers...

Here’s what Rihanna should tweet about. Why are Indians rushing off to Maldives and not Barbados for Instagrammable vacation pics? Why did Jahangir give East India the license to trade in India? Melody itnee chocolatey kyon baani?

Yet this ‘not a Padma Shri awardee’ chose to shed crocodile tears for terrorists parked at Singhu border like obsolete sarkari Ambassador cars and waiting for China to colonise us.

Dekho Rihanna, it is obvious that too much quarantining has fogged up your brain.

May we suggest ‘work work work’ or a masterclass in desi patriotism that traces all mistakes made in India’s history and geography to Nehru?

Or we could make you sit for Kamdhenu Gau-vigyan Prachar Prasar Pareeksha and look for gold in the milk our desi cows squirt, while whispering sweet nothings in their ear.

It is pretty evident you are woefully unaware that our government is the best thing to have happened to Bharat since Lord Rama.

Dear RiRi, What Have You Done? Now Even Mia Khalifa’s Standing With Our Farmers!

Rihanna, you have already done us much damage and gotten the world to talk about something other than Trump and Biden. Distracted Greta Thunberg from melting polar caps, shrinking forests and looking angrily at world leaders.

Now poor Kangana will be compelled to give a thumbs down to Thunberg. Ask her to work on her anger management problem. Watch a good old fashioned movie like ‘Shakalaka Boom Boom’ with a friend and chill.

Dear RiRi, your efforts to destabilise India from your mansion in London will force us to snatch your ‘umbrella ella ella, eh eh’ away from you. No more dancing at Indian weddings for you. Especially the big fat ones in India. You have ‘hit your toe with your own hammer’.

While we continue our efforts to discredit you, we humbly advise you to please take back your meddling foreign hand and let us criminalise protests, beat up university students, incarcerate stand-up comics and upright journalists, in peace.

You are getting in our way of letting lapdogs flourish.

Hai Ram, look what you’ve done! Now it’s Mia Khalifa standing with our farmers! Sit down, you fool. Kangana will soon be at Mia’s doorstep to call her a ‘chudail’. And no Aadhaar card for you, Mia.

(A teacher not so long ago, Purba Ray took to writing on a whim after leaving her job. She has an opinion on nearly everything, fact or fiction, beginnings or ends, light or heavy, long or short. She tweets at @Purba_Ray. This is a personal blog and the views expressed are the author’s own. The Quint neither endorses nor is responsible for them.)