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Since when did being a teetotaler make one eligible for gold medals? Well, that was what students of Savitribai Phule Pune University (SPPU) were told in a circular. The circular in question pertains to an award constituted in the name of Yog Maharshi Ramchandra Gopal Shelar and sponsored by the trust and family members of Shelar Mama for postgraduate students in non-science backgrounds.
Although the varsity had nothing to do with the terms and conditions, it decided to cancel the circular after some pretty valid outrage. But what if we have a student who actually qualified for this gold? After all, this medal has been in place for the past 10 years. Well, here’s a letter by one such student thanking the VC for the esteemed opportunity.
To,
The Vice Chancellor,
Pune University,
Maharashtra
Subject: Alcohol-free, veggie gold medals
Respected Chance Le Lo Sir,
I salute you with all my limbs. As soon as I heard that in order to win a certain gold medal in your esteemed Pune University, the student must be vegetarian and non alcoholic types, basically a teerth-totaler, I could not contain my joy. In fact, I am pretty drunk with excitement right now.
Finally, my parents’ evergreen dream of seeing their son win a gold medal will come true. Before I continue, let me introduce myself, my sattvik name is Anant and I am a loyal student of your university. So loyal, in fact, that I have been undertaking a three-year Bachelor of Arts course for the last seven years.
As it is a Bachelors degree course, I am still an unwed man. I know that most of the students in my course are more intelligent than me, but this time, it will be I who will get the gold medal. I know this because unlike me, all the other students are devilish flesh eaters. And what’s more, they consume large amounts of alcohol regularly.
Therefore, by default, I happen to be the only candidate, The sattvik teerth-totaler who qualifies to win this gold medal. Thank you for that, Sir. It gives me great satisfaction to see that the sinful, flesh-eating, bone-crunching, booze-waasi students are finally being punished by Bhagwan.
Now that you have started steering the University on the ‘right’ path, I would like to make some suggestions in this direction. They are as follows:
Respected Sir, I have a lot other suggestions to make but now I must take your leave in order to prepare for tomorrow’s exam, for which I have to pray and then tie a yellow dhaaga on a grey dog. I will share the rest of my suggestions during my acceptance speech when I come to take my gold medal.
Your devoted and loyal student,
Anant
PS: Sir, If you implement my suggestions in the university, I guarantee you that one day, you will become a great minister of our country.
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