The ‘Brown Man’ And Some Of His Best Albums

Let’s talk about some ‘brown man’ stereotypes.

‘Brown man’s’ ‘Bobs & Vagene’ Conundrum. 

(Photo: iStock/Altered By The Quint)  

Let's talk about the 'brown man' we are all quite miffed at.

Can we call him 'Mr Sharma'?

Now, Mr Sharma is in quite a pickle. He is bearing the ‘brown man’s’ burden, despite his best efforts.

Why?

He is:

a) Brown

b) A man

c) Has the most commonplace 'brown-man name'.

Thus, he is, on account of some of his wily predecessors, thrice as removed from the ‘ideal man’.

No one takes his word for it when he claims he is a work in progress. He is unlearning a lot, of late.

And it is taking time.

But, at the same time, a lot of ‘brown men’ are the reason why 'Sharma Ji' is being labelled as the one to watch out for. To be wary of.

Meanwhile, Golu, his son, has been texting thoroughly misspelt declarations of his unwarranted lust for his neighbour. The texts are usually monosyllabic pearls dispatched in the form of bullet points:

1.Bobs

2.Vagene

3. Bobss, pls.

How does he make Golu understand that neither his language, nor his intent, is making “vagenes’’ throb with unforeseen thrill?

Challenging task.

Yesterday, Mrs Sharma, weak of heart, fainted amidst devotees during one of her satsang sessions, when Golu’s friend, Mandeep, texted her photos of him flexing his muscles, with attached captions that scared the living daylights out of her: “Hello deer, sax karte ho?’’.

“Aise Kaise?”(Photo: Giphy)

The texts were followed by extravagant apologies from Mandeep. The fact that his intention was to send it to somebody else did not make things better for a palpitating Mrs Sharma. When Mr Sharma was notified about such unbecoming behaviour, he clicked his tongue nervously, denounced the “depraved boy’’ and comforted his wife by telling her that her rotis are better than his mother's.

Later, he wondered if he should’ve brought up her culinary skills at all.

Next day, Mr Sharma, an aggressively enthusiastic Twitter user, was shocked to find long tweet threads talking of the “brown man’s tiny danda’’ and “preference for virgins’’.

He cringed and moved to the next set of tweets, before disturbing visuals of Mandeep could imprint themselves in his head. The next set spoke about the brown man’s tendency to liken everything the wife/girlfriend does to his mother.

Next to his window, a tiny bird was chirping with much vigour, as if questioning all his certainties.

Is it specific to ‘brown men’ though, Mr. Sharma wondered, while he scratched his chin and his eyes wandered to the framed photo of his mother on the office wall.

Suddenly, a tweet from Pintu, a friend of the the notorious fool Mandeep, caught his eye. With much zest, he had tweeted about not all brown men being prejudiced ass-bags.

While Mr Sharma couldn’t help but scoff at Pintu all the time, he felt that the statement did hold some truth. But was it a justified counter-view?

Umm…maybe not.

Which side should he be on?

On one hand, Golu’s friends were a clear disappointment. On the other hand, there were a few lads worth celebrating.

But what side does one pick in a country with an established history of discrimination against women, Mr Sharma wondered while sipping on his evening chai.

Maybe it isn’t that black and white, he wondered.

When he broached the topic later that night, over dinner, Mrs Sharma hmm-ed a lot, dismissed “Mandeep and his ilk’’ and passionately spoke about “postive cheezey’’ too, stemming from “goddamn stereotypes’’.

“Stereotype karnai hai, toh positive waaley bhi dekh lo. What about Golu’s 'stereotypical engineering degree’ that has earned him a place in a premier college? Maybe he will be the next Sundar Pichai or the Microsoft guy , Satya Nadella?’’, she remarked indignantly.

Sundar Pichai, da!Photo: Giphy

As long as the ‘achievers’ aren’t anything like “Mandeep and his ilk’’, Mr Sharma mused, before calling it a day.