This Party Season, Try the ‘No Assault Look’ to ‘Protect’ Yourself

SATIRE: Wear this and stay protected from all the potentially threatening people out there.

The perfect attire for women to not be assaulted.

(Photo: The Quint/Yagya Sachdeva)

Hello, ladies! Have you ever been gazed at in a way that makes you shiver? Or, been unwillingly grabbed, or nudged? Or, eve-teased and cat-called? Wait. Of course you have, what silly questions to ask. My bad.

But, don’t worry. Those days are behind you. We have the perfect solution, and I know you’ve been waiting for this tutorial.

We present to you the ‘No Assault Look’. This look is as much in demand as democracy and secularism. Follow these simple steps to get this look:

Step 1: Make-Up

Since you never find foundation that matches your skin-tone, get yourself a piece of cloth big enough to cover your face. This way, there’s no scope for your face to be visible. Voila! Actually, they might catch a glimpse of your eyes, so make sure to carry a pair of your darkest sunglasses and hide every inch of your skin.

Step 2: Clothes

Bye-bye skirts, dresses, crop tops... Hell, even jeans. What you need to get is a lock and some chains. Literal chains. Tie them around your body like a prisoner and hand the key to a close friend or family (too bad if they make you feel uncomfortable too, that’s a bummer). Also, you’d need a pair of men’s pants. They have big pockets for essentials like pepper spray, a gun, some nunchucks, a knife, a cricket bat and of course... some lip balm, obviously!

Step 3: Shoes

Buy sneakers so you can sprint like PT Usha, away, far, far way from all the potentially threatening people! And hope that they’re wearing heels. Also, sneakers are hella dope.

And that’s pretty much it. Also, don’t eat Chinese food, especially chowmein – that’s how you really grab attention. And you don’t want attention. You want protection and this outfit’s gonna get that for ya!