The Subtle Art Of (Not) Saying “F**k’’

It’s that f**king simple!

A remedy for our potty-mouths.

(Photo: The Quint/Arnica Kala)

TL;DR: A remedy for our potty-mouths.

Deep breaths and all are okay. But when I am too frustrated to stick to appropriacy, my tongue lashes out, mind, body and slur. I have been trying to fix that though, after being belligerently advised to go wash my mouth with saabun.

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“What the f**k!”

I was feeling particularly blue today, so I gave it a shot. I made sure I was (slightly) loud and shocked a few people around me. Felt better immediately.

F**k those frowns and f**k those purists. A meaty slang, after all, is best served with the power of transgression.

I say, f**k those frowns and f**k those purists.(Photo: Giphy)

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But I am, after all, bumblingly human. And the F-word becomes a concern when I tend to forget time and place and let my tongue loose. Last week, I was quite close to cursing my spleen off, while in a meeting at work.

How not to behave at an office meeting!(Photo: Giphy)

I bit my tongue, gulped down the F-word, and managed to blurt out a completely incoherent sentence. Turns out, there isn’t much you can say to change tack and divert once you’ve blabbed out “What the f...’’

Likewise, life gives you enough irritants to put you on the edge.

The pesky driver who cuts you off in traffic.

An excruciatingly slow queue.

A misplaced wallet

or...

... a sudden flash of temper.

What do you do to hold your tongue and not let the cursing lead to a habitual potty-mouth?

What do you do to hold your tongue and not have a potty-mouth?(Photo: Giphy)

Here’s what I am planning to do:

Replace the F-word with another F-word.

F-lower.

Boom! *mic drop*(Photo: Giphy)

Try it. Think of the office meeting that got on your last nerve and you wanted to tear your hair apart. Think of the person who cut you off in traffic. Think of the last thing that got you REALLY REALLY angry.

Think how urgently you wanted to spit out the hot words bubbling to your mouth. Think of anyone you’ve wanted to shout at for the longest time possible.

DON’T TAKE A DEEP BREATH.

Go over them again.

Now...

Let it out (and BE LOUD):

“Aaaaaaaa! What the FLOWER, man! Enough is enough!

FLOWER you! FLOWER you! FLOWER you!

I have FLOWERY had it! If you won’t do it, your FLOWERY ass will!

I will do things my FLOWERY way from now on. Go to FLOWERY hell!'”

Felt better?

Thought so.

What the... flower, man!(Photo: Giphy)

Of course you can also replace it with other words like “fudge”, “eff” and its ilk. But I have always felt like they don't really do justice to the cathartic power that a well-fed “f*** you” holds. I felt bottled up and bloated, whenever I held myself back. Until I chanced upon... “flower”.

Harmless. Monosyllabic. Nature’s bounty.

Yesterday, while at a friend’s, I let out a tired sigh, mid-conversation, and blurted out, “I don’t give a FLOWER!” Naturally, my friends were utterly confused. But my tone salvaged the situation, though I was the object of much ridicule.

Of course, people will think you’ve lost your marbles, at first. The naysayers will roll their eyes, scoff at you and hold you back. But do not let them bog you down! The important thing to do is not let ANYTHING get lost in translation.

Be pissed, be vehement, flare up, let it all out and ask those buggers raining on your parade to...

Flower Off!

Bottom Line: A cleaner, minty-fresh mouth.

(The above is a part of TL;DR (Too Long. Didn't Read), a weekly blog that aims to crunch things down for you. I will give you the long and short of most things that need to be taken extremely seriously like your bookshelf, beer, existential dread, aimless conversations, rainy days and bubble-wrap. I promise to cater to all readers, but I brazenly harbour a soft-spot for skimmers, bathroom-readers and infinite scrollers. Now, let's bring the written word back!

P.S: Follow me @medhac1)