Varun-Sara’s ‘Coolie No. 1’ In 15 Brutally Honest Thoughts

2020 didn’t need this.

(Photo: Altered by The Quint)

Bollywood is so out of original ideas that now they're making remakes of films that were already remakes to begin with..

1.

Just want to start by sympathising with David Dhawan. First Judwaa 2 and now Coolie No. 1 - the man has to remake his old films just so his son can have a career.. ouch.

2.

If you're unfamiliar with the plot of this film, let me give you a crash course: Varun Dhawan AKA Raju is the "No. 1 Licensed Porter" (or Coolie No. 1) who sees a photo of Sara Ali Khan AKA Sarah, falls in love and agrees to dupe her into marriage by pretending to be rich. Eventually his secret comes out but by then everyone is floored by his good heart and forgives him..

These archaic plots belong only in the 90s and no amount of high-budget production can make up for that. Also, David Dhawan needs to stop thinking he's some Shyam Benegal type whose films deserve to be remade.

3.

We've all come across people who are GREAT at mimicking actors and convinced they would make good actors themselves for that reason alone. I think that's Varun Dhawan's entire personality.

As a child, he probably did a few mimicking sets at family parties and all the applause he received is why we're having to suffer today.

4.

Moving on to Sara Ali Khan's performance - girl, why are you doing this to your career???

5. 

Varun and Sara in Coolie No. 1 = Overacting ki dukaan

6.

The brand of humour in Coolie No. 1 (2020) is the same as the 1995 film i.e. offensive and regressive AF. Most of the jokes have just been recontextualised to include modern references like "WhatsApp" and "Jio" but still not funny.

Example: Paresh Rawal saying, "What ego-ego man, you go man.."

For more, just watch the trailer man. Or the film.

7.

Sara Ali Khan's character does not possess the ability to think for herself. All she does is wear bright-coloured, pompous outfits that don't make anysense.

I think the Dhawans were just hoping we'd be too distracted by all the colours to actually care about the film.

8.

Varun Dhawan thinking he can recreate and own Govinda's unforgettable pelvic thrusts.. itna confidence kaha se ata hai?

10.

Like the OG Coolie No. 1, this one also reeks of classism and classist jokes in 2020 are NOT COOL.

11.

Will I ever be able to forgive the Dhawans and Sara for ruining the 'Mirchi Lagi Toh' song????

12.

Strange to think of how, when Sara made her first public appearance, we actually had hopes from her?? What a bizarre time that was.

13.

I just cannot stand Varun Dhawan playing his fake judwa bhai because he sounds worse than Gillian Anderson trying to play Margaret Thatcher in The Crown season 3. If you didn't get that reference - they both sound like they have a frog stuck in their throats.

14.

Making anyone watch Coole No. 1 should qualify as a hate crime.

15.

Sitting through over two hours of this nonsense is an adventure sport and I wouldn't recommend it one bit.