RainbowMan: It’s Not Easy To Kill Yourself. I’ve Been There.

An all-consuming negative emotion can wreak havoc on one’s mental health, and it needs to be dealt with without shame

Actress Pratyusha Banerjee, who allegedly committed suicide (Photo courtesy: Instagram)

I did not know Pratyusha Banerjee or Nafisa Joseph or Jia Khan. I don’t know why they killed themselves. I will never pretend to understand what they went through. I will never pass judgment on them. Their lives and by extension, their deaths, were their business and their business alone. Which is why, it drives me up the wall when some two-bit reality show contestant speculates about Pratyusha’s cause of suicide. Who gives these publicity hungry drama queens the right to call someone who committed suicide weak, cowardly or selfish? I can’t fathom this culture of blaming the dead, in case of a suicide.

Emotions are complicated. Everyone feels some amount of sadness, guilt, regret, rage and fear at some point of time in life. But when one feels a particular emotion more fully than others, it begins to hurt. Sometimes we feel more than one emotion. Such an emotional cocktail can often prove to be toxic for the soul.

An all-consuming negative emotion can wreak havoc on one’s mental health. Sometimes, it can drain you of all hope, happiness and energy and leave you frustrated, helpless and vulnerable. When you are standing precariously on the precipice of darkness, it is easy to slip and fall. So if you are feeling suicidal, it means you need help. But, it is equally important to know it is not your fault.

Trust me, it is not easy to kill yourself. How do I know? Well, I’ve been there.

The thought of killing myself crossed my mind a thousand times when I was sexually abused by a male relative over a period of eleven years. Why didn’t I kill myself? Honestly, I didn’t really know how to kill myself. It looks really easy in the movies, but just the logistics of arranging your last moments is quite daunting. Also, a part of me really wanted to live long enough to see justice and achieve closure. Finally, I did not want to die before telling my story.

So, I did not choose to survive because I was brave. I survived because the comfort of seeing justice done, trumped the comfort of just embracing death and putting an end to my torture. I wanted to see my dream of finding solace come true. Somehow the urge of living my dream turned out to be greater than the urge to kill myself.

Today, I take calls from several young men, women and trans-persons who want to kill themselves because they feel stuck in a horrible place in their lives. They want to put an end to their lives to put an end to their pain. Unless, you have felt somebody’s pain, you have no right to judge them. In fact, in case you empathise with someone, it is your duty to help them instead of being a judgmental prick!

Pratyusha Banerjee’s friends from the television industry at her cremation (Photo: Yogen Shah)

We are naturally inclined to survive. But when one feels that they are stuck in something that is harming them or people they love, they start feeling helpless. When you need help but can’t trust anyone to help you, that’s when you turn to the only thing you can count on in life… death.

The certainty and finality of death appears to be more comforting than the uncertainty and pain on life or the untrustworthiness of those who we thought we could count on. People kill themselves when they feel let down by those they thought they could depend on.

I am not saying suicide is some kind of heroic act, but it is a sign of a psychological distress that most humans go through. Psychological issues need to be dealt with. Like one goes to a doctor for health, dentist for root canal, cosmetologist for removal of facial scars, one needs to go to a psychologist too for up keep of your mental health.

People who shame people who go to counsellors, people who shame people who commit suicide without understanding their real stand point are also the people who create the perfect ambience for suicide.

Quotes posted by Pratyusha on her Instagram account which speak about her state of mind (Photos courtesy: Instagram)

So the next time a friend, colleague or family member kills themselves, ask yourself… did you spot the signs? Were they lonely, sad, frustrated or helpless? Did you do something about it? Did you try to help them? Did you let them down?

Blaming someone for committing suicide is as wrong as blaming a rape survivor. Do the decent thing. Ask yourself some tough questions about your failure to offer help and then forgive yourself and move on… if you can’t do that just shut up and accord people their dignity in death.

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals. ‘Rainbow Man’ is Harish’s regular blog for The Quint)