Re-Finding Love: How to Reconcile After a Divorce (It’s Possible)

If the couple is willing to forgive past mistakes, a reconciliation is truly possible, even after filing for divorce.

If both spouses agree to be on the same track, a reconciliation is very much possible – even after filing for divorce. (Photo: iStock)

The freedom to make mistakes characterise a robust marriage.

So what happens when one of the mistakes is – thinking that the marriage is over?

On a Richer scale of 1-10 this would rank at at least 110. But everyone goofs up and when love stories get a new lease of life – which is where Malaika and Arbaaz are rumoured to be headed – then you know you can ditch the divorce and look at reconciliation.

Speculation is rife that Arbaaz and Malaika might be considering a reconciliation. (Photo Courtesy: Instagram/Arbaaz Khan)

So the path the partners in the troubled marriage choose would determine the outcome of a reconciliation.

It takes a lot of courage to admit the mistake and give the marriage another shot. The courage is in the forgiveness to accept the spouse back wholeheartedly in your home and hearth so to speak. It’s extremely difficult. But once you’ve taken the larger decision of effecting a reconciliation, it has to be done in the true spirit of things and not half-heartedly. There can’t be constant references to previous insults, slights or whatever else had gone wrong in the marriage.

It takes a lot of courage to admit the mistake and give the marriage another shot. (Photo: iStock)

I’ll go as far as to say that even if one of the partners has been adulterous but there has been a conscious choice to forgive, forget and move on, then too a reconciliation can be successful.

Never Fall Into a ‘Fractured Reconciliation’

The underlying thought process has to be, that a reconciliation has been effected by choice and not compulsion.

One of my friends has committed adultery and the marriage which was on the verge of a breakdown is now ‘sort of’ back on track – but it’s obvious for all to see that it’s a fractured reconciliation. A fractured reconciliation is among the most embarrassing things to witness because the couple takes pot-shots at each other – all the while pretending to be happily married.

A fractured reconciliation is embarrassing to witness because the couple takes pot-shots at each other. (Photo: iStock)

If the blame game restarts, then the marriage is back in the danger zone.

In most cases I’ve seen couples unsuccessful at reconciling because they are not able to accept the reality that the marriage was in trouble in the first place, and that it’ll take a concentrated effort to make the marriage work again.

The unpleasant past is what needs to be forgotten but the happy memories can be a part of the reconciliation process. So unnecessary references to unpleasant incidents which were destroying your marriage need not be a part of your narrative in the new setup.

Reconciliation cannot be a unilateral decision. Both the spouses have to be totally committed to the decision to have the desirable outcome. If the marriage is rebooted it may involve some changes in your personality and only if both are committed will these changes be effected without great reluctance.

Both the spouses have to be totally committed to the decision to have the desirable outcome. (Photo: iStock)

One of the things we tend to forget is that marriage is between TWO people and therefore, so is reconciliation.

So for all the naysayers, let’s put it this way – reconciliation is like old wine in a new bottle and that may not be such a bad thing after all.

...Till next time, happy coupling and uncoupling, your D-Bombshell Specialist.

(Vandana Shah is an award winning lawyer, author and columnist. She can be contacted on www.vandanashah.com)

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