Here’s How to Break up With a Friend – and Not Make It Ugly

One cannot deny the fact that some friendships are just not supposed to last.

Toxic friendships not only drain you mentally but also make life dull and dreary. (Photo: Harsh Sahani/The Quint)

Friends are a beautiful part of life, and perhaps the most indispensable too. These are the people we turn to in times of happiness and despair. They are the ones who hold us during rough times in life. While we would love to believe that all our friends will stay close to us forever, there is no denying the fact that some friendships are just not supposed to last. These are the ones that change over the years – but not for the better.

Toxic friendships not only drain you mentally but also make life dreary. As the new year marks it arrival, it could be a good time to review your friendships and let go of the ones that have turned sour or toxic over the years.

Ending a friendship can be tough but it would definitely be worth the pain in the long run. Instead of lamenting the thought of losing a friend, you must remember that as time passes, people and priorities change. It is completely natural for you and your friend to move apart, forge new bonds and adopt differing perspectives on life that no longer resonate with that of yours.

In such a scenario, it would be in the best interest of both you and your friend to end a friendship that measures up to nothing. But remember, as important it is to end such a friendship, it is equally important to end it amicably.

Identifying a Toxic Friendship

Each friendship is different but there are a few warning signs that could help you identify one that is toxic:

• If you are repeatedly finding yourself making excuses to meet this friend, look back and introspect on what is holding you back.
• If you find yourself drained more than rejuvenated or happy after meeting this friend, it could be the time to call it quits.
• If this friend repeatedly sends you on guilt trips or makes you feel bad about your life decisions, you need to rethink the dynamics of this friendship.

How Do You Want to End It?

While the idea is to remain amicable throughout the process, there can be more than one way to end a toxic friendship. You could either set boundaries, slowly making room for the final estrangement, or end it at once.

Setting boundaries like restricting spending time together can pave the way for ending things completely as calling it quits all at once could be quite overwhelming. However, you need to plan the whole thing and not just make a random declaration of your feelings.

It is crucial to end the friendship like an adult, in a mature way. You cannot end things over a text. It is not just rude but also dehumanising. Treat it just as you would end a romantic relationship, perhaps with even more sensitivity.

Have a face-to-face conversation with your friend, telling them your reasons for the decision. Your friend may have some reservations, so be prepared for the same.

What Should You Tell Them?

You definitely cannot sound robotic while conveying the decision to your friend. Don't come across as if you are reading a rehearsed script. But instead, tell them how you feel. Make them realise that you have thought over your decision and are not doing anything impulsively.

While it is best to be honest, in some circumstances – like if your friend has been dismissing everything you say or has been selfish in the friendship – your arguments may fall on deaf ears. So, you need to think of all the possible reactions beforehand and go ahead accordingly.

Most importantly, avoid falling in the trap of making them feel guilty about their shortcomings. Take responsibility for your decision and don’t play the blame game. Instead, mould the conversation in a way that it reflects your needs. Statements like, “You have changed” or “I want to stay away from your negativity” will damage things beyond repair, making the breakup ugly.

Don’t Bitch About Your Friend

It is quite probable that you and your friend have a common circle of friends. Therefore, be very cautious not to bitch about your friend to anyone else. Convey your decision to others only after you have sealed the deal. Maintain a friendly disposition in all group outings thereafter.

Don't Feel Guilty About Your Decision

Ending a friendship can be exacting, but you need to be firm once you have made up your mind. There is no reason to feel guilty about your decision. Just cherish the old memories and wait for better things to happen. Keep believing that you will meet people who would make life more beautiful!