Going From ‘We’ to ‘I’: A Divorce Lawyer Tells You How to Cope
Don’t let the ‘D-bomb’ get you, says a divorce lawyer who’s been there.
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The dictionary meanings of ‘divorce’ are succinct.
They read – ‘the dissolution of marriage’ or ‘the breakup of marriage’ or other crisp definitions along those lines.
But the reality of divorce in India is so far removed from this simplistic definition that you may be pardoned for thinking that you looked up the wrong word.
The ‘D’ (DIVORCE) bomb is colourless, odourless, highly explosive and combustible. It’s stealthy and strikes at your core being – in the process, destroying a lot of what you believe in.
You go from being part of a WE to just an I, me, myself, and your dreams of living happily ever after with ‘The One’ meet an untimely death. This is the situation in India because marriage is the ultimate dream destination and everyone is a stakeholder. The pressure to get married and then to make it work is immense. After all, we do have the biggest wedding industry in the world (almost 40 billion dollars), growing at a rapid rate of almost 25 percent per annum.
And never mind if you’ve been served a nightmare of a marriage – God help you if you want to divorce.
Every one of the stakeholders – your maasis, maamis, chaachis, even your bai, jumps in the fray to stop the imminent breakup and to engineer a rapprochement and reconciliation – complete with a fairy tale ending.
Of Hushed Whispers and Unflinching Battles
When my marriage crumbled about 10 years ago and I had to go through a long drawn out court battle (this one, ironically also lasting 10 years), I knew I had to fend for myself now. A divorce ended your marriage, not your life – I understood well enough.
But it’s not so much the divorce but the hushed whispers and the stigma surrounding it which make it extremely difficult to cope.
The navigation through the murky issues of finances, legalese, work, children, lawyers, new friendships, relationships is certainly a task – but at least there are signposts pointing you in directions others have been in.
But the stigma of divorce – that pause in the conversation when you enter a room, the desperate attempt to cover up a question asked about your marital status, are like dealing with the hydra headed monster. You can’t cut off its head because each time you do so another one springs up. The stigma around divorce in India makes you feel as though you’ve committed a crime by being a divorcee.
It’s the stigma which makes the journey of divorce in India both interminable and excruciating.
And here’s what’s more unfortunate: since divorce is stigmatised, there’s no easy information to be had. Misinformation is readily spewed, and because there’s misinformation the stigma keeps growing.
It’s like the classic hen and egg situation. How does one deal with it?
Putting your life on hold and being a victim are not the options.
After all, no one gets married to get divorced – but what do you if it happens?
Those are the questions that face us today.
Divorce is still a villain in this country (as also worldwide) but what the path ahead is, is something you and I will be speaking about in our next columns.
Till then, happy coupling and uncoupling,
...Your D-Bombshell Specialist.
(Vandana is a lawyer by education, an author by passion and a sports buff by reflex. You can read more about her on her website www.vandanashah.com)
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