Eight Gross Things No One Tells You About Motherhood

Yes, motherhood’s great – but there are various real, gross things about babies that no one tells you!

Oh, the troubles of a new mommy! (Photo: iStock)

We dream all sorts of dreams.

Mine have been always pretty lucid. But when I began to expect a child, these dreams became pretty elaborate.

I would constantly dream of becoming a mother – of the sweet joy of holding the little bundle in my arms, swaddling the baby to sleep and feeding him with my love. Dreams that could’ve been adapted into one 3-hour long movie!

Little did I know the fate that awaited these dreams.

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They were crushed under piles and piles of filthy diapers, wretched, sleepless nights and arguments with oneself over what to feed the baby and when.

I had only two constant companions: Mr Confusion and Mr Paranoia.

The bottomline, folks, is this: motherhood is probably overrated and too damn gross.

Don’t get me wrong! I mean yes, it is beautiful and I’d take his most disgusting antics anytime over the point in my life when I didn’t know him.... But babies can be gross – and here are 8 gross things (Real Facts of Life) that no one told me about motherhood:

Detailed Poop Analysis

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I tend to spend way too much time investigating our little one’s poops. From its colour to the creamy texture, consistency, and the frequency – EVERYTHING is clocked. The amount of time I have spent poring over diapers and analysing them is not funny! I could have made a lot of money by sitting in the lab and doing it for others!

The Smelly Affair

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“Is that your vomit? No, that’s probably the spit burp. Wait, no, that’s a bit of your poop! Well, let’s just smell it anyway to make sure.”

Argh, sounds disgusting? Those are the sounds of motherhood.

Throwing Up is Called For

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You’d better get used to the parabolic and unexpected vomits coming at you at unexplained rates of speed. The first round usually happens when you’re ready to go out on the town. (There’s scope for a second and third round too.)

Those happen right after you’ve changed your little tyke and yourself into much-needed fresh clothes.

The Unwanted Food Will Land Up in Your Tummy

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The one thing I have gotten used to is eating discarded morsels. You know, the kind that have been chewed upon 20 times and spat out of your precious thing’s mouth out of sheer boredom.

You’ll usually find these morsels on the corner of the high chair table – and more often that not, in the form of a spitball in your hands.

All this, mind you, happens within the fraction of a second – in case, you were about to suggest the use of a napkin.

Stick Your Finger in Dark, Hidden Places

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The canal of the nose, the ears, the mouth – and many, many more orifices-that-shall-not-be-named. Your fingers, when you’re a mommy, will go everywhere.

My personal favourite? When the beloved bath toy ends up swimming in the toilet. You will hear all sorts of precious claims: “Mumma, it went in on its own! But can you get it for me please? Duckie will catch a cold.”

That’s nice.

After All This, You Still Survive

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How gross can that be?

Go Unbathed for Days and Act Like That’s Normal

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Say Hello to Pyjamas – All Day, All Night

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That pyjama knows your story. That pyjama is your best friend forever.

She’ll never question your sanity (even as you begin to).

Yes, kids can be quite disgusting – but motherhood just seems to make the grossest things seem a little less gross.

So that diaper analysis? Believe it or not, can make you laugh.

(Founder of The Champa Tree, Vaishali is a mother (and on-the-job-learner), a communication consultant and now a full-time-slave. The Champa Tree was conceived in May, 2014 – around the same time that her son was born. TCT is a blog on motherhood and parenting.)