‘Didn’t Know How to Masturbate’: Pakistani Woman’s Tryst With Sex

Zahra Haider writes about having premarital sex in sexually-repressed Pakistan where women are valued over men.

Sex is a fetishised act; to be giggled at and whispered about behind closed doors when the parents are away. (Photo: iStockphoto)

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To say that South Asia’s relationship with sex is confused, hypocritical and patriarchal is an understatement. Sex is a fetishised act; to be giggled at and whispered about behind closed doors when the parents are away.

Zahra Haider, on Vice, discusses her experiences with pre-marital sex in a sexually-repressed South Asian country that values men over women. Sounds familiar? It would if you live in any South Asian nation.

Zahra Haider is from Pakistan.

Pakistan is an Islamic Republic with the highest porn-watching population in the world. That statement in and of itself signifies a particular aspect about Pakistani culture: we are horny and desperate for sex, but God forbid we actually engage in it. Sex in Pakistan is considered a taboo topic. Men generally aren’t judged for it in our patriarchal society but if a woman from a middle-class family or underprivileged background is caught having premarital sex, serious shit goes down.

However, like any teenager who grew up anywhere in the world, she managed to get around the rules and take some risks.

Even though I had engaged in sexual relations with almost a dozen people before coming to Canada for college in 2012, it wasn’t something I was open about, and looking back I realize my sexuality was still pretty deeply repressed. Due to all these restrictions on us during the horniest years of our lives, in statistically the horniest country (see the above porn stats) in the world, we were forced to get creative during post-pubescent adolescence.

Taking risks meant taking in one’s stride the consequences of getting caught. And these were dire:

And then if you were caught, you had to deal with a shitstorm of rage. My aunt’s boyfriend was beaten to a pulp by my grandfather to “protect her honour.” And when my own parents found out about my own tryst, they threw a completely irrational and melodramatic fit about how I was destroying my future and forbade me from ever speaking to the guy again (after notifying his parents and my school).

While writing about her experiences, Haider addresses important issues like the nation’s abysmal sex education and horrific anti-abortion laws which drive young women to resort to desperate, medically irresponsible solutions.

...women are forced to have induced, clandestine abortions, often resorting to painful and unsafe methods because abortions are <em>haram</em> (sinful) in Islam and only permitted when the woman’s life is in danger. This basically leaves Pakistanis with no choice about whether they’re pro-life or pro-choice: we are pro-life, for life apparently.

To an Indian audience, much of what Haider describes is familiar. At the end of her blog, a resolute Haider embraces her confidence and her sexual identity – and leaves an important message for young women struggling to come into their own.

She no longer “gives a f**k about what people back home say or think about her.”