An Indian Woman’s Search For An Orgasm

Why should a woman not enjoy sex? Why is it too much to ask your sexual partner to make an effort to arouse you?

The author’s bid for sexual freedom has even been frowned upon by her friends. (Photo courtesy: Facebook/ @farrahqader)

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I just found out that the Hindi word for orgasm is ‘kaamonmaad’. It sounds so sanskaari that I feel I’ll smell agarbattis when I climax! Now, why was I looking for this information? Well, that’s because I recently found out that August 8 is celebrated as the International Day of the Female Orgasm! It is actually a holiday in Brazil.

But in the seven years that I have been sexually active, I’ve not had an orgasm seven out of 10 times. It’s almost as if my G-spot can only be found using GPS. But sometimes I wonder, is anyone even looking for it? Sometimes I wonder, given our culture, how many Indian women even experience an orgasm?

I mean a lot of us get into bed with a complete stranger because mommy and daddy told us that’s our duty. Our sanskaars teach us that women are expected to be givers in bed. That we are expected to lay their lumps and bumps bare to please their men, preferably those men who have the legal right to enter and exit their vaginas at will… consent be damned… I mean, marital rape is just a western / feminist conspiracy to deprive hard working men the right to a happy married life, isn’t it?

In most Asian countries, a woman is not supposed to seek pleasure in sex. (Photo: iStock)

Look beyond islands of privilege like Mumbai, Bangalore, Pune and Kolkata. Drive down to any tier-II or tier-III city. You will find the entire neighbourhood decked up in near-regal finery to celebrate organised relationships where young virgin women, who have never had the benefit of any sex education, are suddenly expected to let a man they barely met twice violate their bodies for the rest of their lives. Layers of pan cake slathered on their faces (courtesy Pammi aunty from Lovely Beauty Parlour two doors down) cannot hide the fear in the eyes of these young brides.

With each passing day, sex becomes a chore for these women, a duty born out of a social obligation to provide the family with an heir. I wonder if these women have orgasms? Or are they just too busy justifying their existence by proving the productivity of their uterus?  

Also, is it just a problem in semi-urban and rural areas? I personally know several modern, highly educated, urban women compelled to turn into glorified baby production machines. Some such women have suffered domestic abuse when they suggested that their husbands start using contraception. I have often asked these women if they have considered leaving such toxic family environments. Most have stayed on for the sake of the children. Some have made peace with their fate. Some even rationalise it.

Even many educated men refuse to use contraception. (Photo: iStock)

“At least he lets me work,” says one. “He isn’t wrong. Contraception is against our religion. Besides motherhood is God’s greatest gift to women,” reasons another. I tried explaining Stockholm Syndrome to them. They shut me out of their lives for trying to break up their happy families. One even said I was jealous as I had been easy and “given myself to too many men” and that no “good” man would ever want to marry a “damaged” woman like me.

As a parting shot I asked if she had ever had an orgasm, she said she thought Minute Maid was too pulpy and preferred making fresh orange juice at home. It all ended with a face palm!

“It’s almost as if my G-spot can only be found using GPS,” says Farrah Qader. (Photo courtesy: Facebook/ @farrahqader)

I’ve read about horror stories out of Africa where female genital mutilation is common. Apparently they cut out a part of the clitoris, so that the woman can never feel pleasure while having sex. Another reported practice in some marriages in a few Middle-Eastern communities involves stitching the vagina so that a woman cannot have sex. The stitches are removed only when her husband wants sex. If she conceives as a result of the sex, she is celebrated as a future mommy. If not, the vagina is stitched back again. It is almost as if a woman is punished for having a vagina!

So, before you dismiss my quest for an orgasm as a first world problem, I ask you this… why do you think a woman should not enjoy sex? Why must sex always be about procreation? Aren’t there 7 billion of us on this planet? Why is it sinful for a woman to seek sexual satisfaction? Whatever happened to recreational sex? And why is it too much to ask your sexual partner to make an effort to arouse you?  

I’m yet to come across a man who refuses a blow job. But ask them to eat pussy and they come up with interesting excuses including, “Aaj Mangalwaar hai!” And then they have the nerve to complain when I start swearing. Never mind the “chinal”, “kutiya” and “randi” that comes my way with amazing regularity.

Why should a woman not enjoy sex? (Photo: iStock)

Why? Because I like being on top, because I like kissing, because I want pillow talk and cuddling? Because I want to be more than a night-time parking space for a penis. It is because I’m not ashamed of my body. It is because I love sex. It is because I want to enjoy sex.  

We already have Right to Education and Right to Information. Perhaps we need the Right to Orgasm. But then again, we live in a country that still doesn’t understand the concept of consent. Ah, well… a girl can dream.

(Farrah Qader is an actress. She made her debut in 2016’s Project Marathwada, a Hindi movie about farmer suicides.)