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It was the first post to drop on my Instagram wall on Saturday morning. I felt a little spike of joy on knowing that Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas were welcoming a baby. Like so many of us, I too am an inveterate consumer of celebrity news and received this information as if it had a bearing on my life.
I am also a compulsive reader of comments and conversation threads and before long, a range of reactions started popping up below the news. Many on social media criticised, condemned, and ridiculed her choice of surrogacy – which they saw as a 'frivolous' decision.
‘Why declare this news and then ask for privacy?’
‘Is it a trend for the rich to opt for this method?’
‘This is a mockery of natural reproduction.’
‘Why couldn’t she adopt? After all she is a UNICEF goodwill ambassador.’
'How do these mothers feel? They just get their 'ready-made babies.'
As a mother who had her child through in vitro fertilisation (IVF) – after a long and complicated encounter with infertility – I have been at the receiving end of some of these questions.
The taboos associated with assisted reproduction, adoption and surrogacy are so intense that most couples guard this secret with their lives. Even among celebrities, it is rarely spoken about or discussed beyond the announcement.
‘You brought it upon yourself by delaying marriage or motherhood’ is repeated multiple times, either directly or insinuated – without caring an iota about what the mother-to-be is going through.
Very few understand the complexity of the choice, the combination of physiological, genetic, and lifestyle factors at work or the layers of emotions behind it.
Right at the pinnacle stands the woman who has conceived spontaneously, within the safe confines of a marriage and possibly before the age of 30.
Then, there are all the others.
In the years since having my son, I have realised that the polarities of ‘natural’ vs ‘artificial’, ‘good’ vs ‘inadequate’ don’t just stop at conception.
In the eyes of this patriarchal world, no matter what choice you make, there’s always a better one to be made.
Yet, every woman, whether she chooses to be a mother or not, is relentlessly held accountable and is shamed for any deviation.
The scrutiny and policing of women’s lives is an age-old phenomenon, and the scrutiny of Priyanka Chopra is an example that shows that no one is really exempt from it, no matter how many circles of privilege you are ensconced in.
Someone like her may be able to brush aside the condemnations and continue to focus on her life and actual priorities. But the social media uproar and accusations after her announcement is not just directed towards her, but a reflection of all women who are in the same boat as her. It is time we acknowledge this, instead of brushing it aside as another celebrity gossip.
I truly believed that I was ‘less’ because I did not get pregnant in the ‘prescribed’ manner.
There are numerous ways of imagining our family and happiness, and equally numerous ways of bringing these to fruition. These are deeply subjective choices, shaped by our circumstances and resources.
What we often see from outside is the tip of the iceberg.
What we do owe her, however, is respect for her reproductive choices and her absolute right to privacy.
In truth, you become a mother by and by, continuously earning your credentials with the investment of love, time and effort – the means, or even how you are related to the child does not matter.
(Rohini Rajagopal is the author of 'What's a Lemon Squeezer Doing in my Vagina.' She can be found on Instagram at @rajagopal.rohini. The views expressed above are the author’s own. The Quint neither endorses nor is responsible for them.)
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Published: 24 Jan 2022,03:52 PM IST