Not All Men Rape. But Do They Prevent Rape By Some Men?

Of course “not all men” rape. But why insist that a woman saying “#MeToo” is accusing “you too” of rape?

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Agreed. Not all men rape. Not all men are predators. Women love, trust, and respect many wonderful men in their lives. 

The thing is: most protests focus on punishing men for rape-murder. The subject of preventing rape is addressed almost exclusively by telling women what they can do to prevent being raped.

It is men — those good men who are “not all men” — who can do so much to prevent rape!

Imagine what a difference it would make if most men were to make it their job  

• To get all men active in fighting rape culture and victim blaming

• To teach all boys and men to stop at the consent signal, and never cross it without an enthusiastic green light.  

• To stop ignoring, trivialising or defending misbehaviour by men around them  

• To stop participating in and defending rape culture and misogyny as “just jokes” or “just banter”

All women feel unsafe because:  

• Not all men are trustworthy

• Not all men respect and value consent in sexual relationships  

• Not all men raise their voices to prevent some men from being predatory  

• Not all men educate other men and boys about rape culture so fewer men rape

Of course “not all men” rape. But if you’re not one of the “some men” who rape, why take protests against rape and rape culture personally? Why insist that a woman saying “#MeToo” is accusing “you too” of rape?  

Of course “not all men” rape. But if you agree that “some men” do rape/harass women, you must also agree that some of the men you know could be one of the men who rape. Not all men in your family/community/party/friends/heroes rape — but if one of them is accused, surely you agree that he might be among those “some men” who rape?

Do you feel violent outrage against an accused man who is a stranger, or if he belongs to “another” class, community, or political persuasion?  Do you feel outrage not against but on behalf of an accused man from your own class, community, party, ideology, or group of friends?  

Some of the men you know and admire could be some of the men who rape? If you are never willing to admit this, then you say “Not all men rape” as a code for “no men rape” and so “all women lie about rape”.  Why are we outraged at stranger rape-murder; but not at the daily torture and violence against women in their homes and workplaces?  

The Delhi High Court, commenting on murders of married women, has observed, “It appears that the married women in India are safer on the streets than in their matrimonial homes.” When was the last time you raised outraged voices to demand justice for a woman murdered by her own parents, brothers, in-laws or husband?

Stranger rapes comprise a small percentage of rapes in India and other countries, while according to the WHO “most women are likely to know their aggressors (eg, in eight out of 10 rape cases in the USA).” These rapists could be intimate partners, relatives, other trusted persons like teachers or priests, or acquaintances. How many times have we stood up to support the voice of a child (of any sex) or a woman raped by men in our midst? 

People are always asking me why feminists are so “negative” — always criticising things that to most people seem normal. 

Women protesting today are demanding specific positive changes from governments and employers, to make workplaces safer and inclusive for all. If you respond to these protests by saying “Not all men”, that is the most “negative” possible response: the very first word in this hashtag is a negative. It’s a hashtag that wants us all to stop protesting the attacks on women, and instead soothe the souls of some men who feel attacked by such protests. 

Feminist work is lonely work. The crowds of the protestors we see on the streets now, and even larger crowds on social media, demanding torture and death to rapists? Only a handful of them — most likely all of them women — might sign up for sustained feminist activism which has many pains and few rewards. 

In my experience, even in the most progressive and radical movements and organisations, everyone expects women to do the work of educating members to unlearn rape culture. Worse, they don’t think it necessary at all; but if feminists ask for it, the reply is, well why don’t you do it? Even so, it’s often assumed that women must attend such “gender sensitisation” meetings - and there’s an innocent surprise when we say, well, actually it’s men who need to attend.  

I’ve known men who give good intellectual lectures on women’s movements. But, in all cases, they lecture to an audience of women! (Again I hope the unusual exception won’t be cited to say “not all lectures”).

But no men in such movements have made it their job to take classes on consent for men or to see consent training as part of cadre training for men (sure there may be the rare exception, but if you cite those “not all men” or “not all movements/organisations” me then you illustrate my point). 

Also, while women are tasked with gender-sensitisation sessions, they are seen as a nuisance if they implement such sensitisation in specific instances. So if a woman complains of misogyny and rape culture in the movement, if she intervenes when she sees red flags of predatory behaviour of some male leader, if she reports complaints and seeks accountability, she is at best appeased, “Is it ok with you if we take this bare minimum action?” 

How wonderful it would be if the result of these ongoing protests is that all men — in political parties, activist groups, and progressive circles — make it their responsibility to sensitise men not just in formal classes but one-on-one as a natural aspect of daily interaction; take up prevention by responding promptly to warning signs of predatory behaviour or domestic violence; and above all, help men acknowledge rather than deny women’s complaints, take responsibility openly, face consequences, and make amends. 

That would move us closer to a day when “yes all men” lead the way in preventing rape. 

(Kavita Krishnan is a women's rights activist. This is an opinion piece and the views expressed above are the author’s own. The Quint neither endorses nor is responsible for them.)