'Time Ran Out': Kerala Father Speaks Out After Losing Trans Son to Suicide in US

Robin died by suicide at 16, leaving behind a heartbroken father wondering what he could have done to prevent it.

Robin (chosen name), who started disassociating with his sex around the time he became a teenager, preferred to be called 'Robin' and go by the pronouns he/him – a desire that took his father some getting used to as he grew up in a conservative household in Kerala before moving to Florida around four decades ago.

(Photo: Vibhushita Singh/The Quint) 

(Trigger Warning: Descriptions of suicide and gender dysphoria.)

"If I had just accepted what he wanted, he probably would have been alive today. That's the only thing I can think about right now, the only regret I will carry with me for the rest of my life," says Jamal Ali, an Indian-origin former banker in Florida, talking about the loss of his younger child – Robin. Assigned female at birth, Robin (chosen name) preferred to go by the pronouns he/him.

As Ali incessantly looks at old photos of Robin, one after the other old, dusty albums tucked away in wooden cupboards come out by the heaps. The day he was born, his first day at school, enjoying time with his older brother at an amusement park. Ali's eyes glisten as he looks upon his son's face – a now distant memory he wishes to cling on to for dear life.

Jamal Ali with his child.

(Photo Courtesy: Jamal Ali/Accessed by The Quint) 

Robin, who faced gender dysphoria, died by suicide on 23 September at the age of 16 – leaving behind a heartbroken father wondering what he could have done to prevent it.

This is their story.

A Battle Between Conservatism & Emotions

"He was amazingly intelligent. Even though he never liked to do his homework and lagged behind in grades, teachers were amazed by his ability," says Ali while speaking to The Quint, still saying 'she' at times to refer to his son, then correcting himself.

Robin Ali. 

(Photo Courtesy: Jamal Ali/Accessed by The Quint) 

Robin, who started disassociating with his sex around the time he became a teenager, chose his new name and changed his pronouns – a desire that took his father some getting used to as he grew up in a conservative household in Kerala before moving to Florida around four decades ago.

At the age of 11, Ali made Robin go to school in India because he wanted him to connect with his roots and culture there. While he had the best of intentions, he was unaware about how much pain he would be causing his son because of that decision.

"Robin thought that I was punishing him by sending him away, that I did not want to take responsibility for him and wanted him gone because he was a girl. But that was not true," he says.

The relationship between father and son had started dampening from that point on, never to return to normalcy.

It was only later that Ali got to know that Robin was being bullied at school in India.

"The kids looked at him differently because he didn't speak the local language. I didn't know how bad it was, and he felt that I was pushing him away."

Jamal Ali

(Photo Courtesy: Jamal Ali/Accessed by The Quint) 

Robin was brought back to the US after a year of schooling in India. Shortly after returning, he started experiencing issues connected to gender dysphoria. Assigned female at birth, over time he started to feel more and more connected to his identity as a boy.

"When Robin brought up the fact that he was facing gender dysphoria, I wasn't sure about it," Ali told The Quint. "I often wondered whether he was doing it out of spite because I had sent him away for studies."

However, despite coming from a conservative background, Ali was determined to help his child and tried opening lines of communication about the issues he was facing. Conversations with his son, however, would often spiral out of control.

"I would try to have a conversation with him, and he would become very angry as we continued to speak. Over time I tried avoiding such situations because I have an anxiety issue, and it used to worsen my condition."

Jamal Ali

Ali, who is separated from his wife, got custody of Robin at the time of the divorce. However, due to the worsening of their relationship, Robin chose to live with his mother – a plea that Ali heartbreakingly had to accept.

"The only time I saw him was when he used to go to school. I would try to talk to him, to try and tell him that I would support him any way I could and would accept him whether he was a boy or a girl," he says.

Robin with his father and older brother. 

(Photo Courtesy: Jamal Ali/Accessed by The Quint) 

Ali introduced his son to like-minded people in community centres, churches et al. He also referred him to different psychologists to talk about his problems.

However, he still struggled to come to terms with his son's gender dysphoria, often wondering whether it was just a "phase".

"He started talking about other kids in his class, especially one who was non-binary. And I didn't know what non-binary meant. He would make me say they/them pronouns to refer to that person. Later that very person changed his mind and said that he was no longer non-binary. I felt that if it happened with him, then the same could be true for my son as well."

Jamal Ali

Robin, however, was determined to make changes to the way he presented himself to be more in tune with his authentic self. He started dressing differently, behaving differently, and told his parents that he wanted to start testosterone therapy as part of gender affirming care – a decision that was difficult for them to accept as he was still a teenager.

Robin (left) with his older brother. 

(Photo Courtesy: Jamal Ali/Accessed by The Quint) 

Both Ali's ex-wife and he told Robin that medication was not an option for him until he turns 18, and that no major change can take place before that.

"I believed that we still have time. What if we start medication and Robin changes his mind? Then we would have permanently damaged his body," says Ali.

What's in a Name? The Line Between Life & Death

When Robin (chosen name) brought up his desire to officially change his name to Robert (legal name), that, too, was rejected by his father, who asked him to wait until adulthood to take any such decision.

However, Ali agreed to his son's request to call him 'Robin' at least at home. But using that name instead of the one conferred upon him at birth turned out to be a harder task than Ali initially thought. He took to calling him "child," "dear," or "honey" instead, and even started walking up to his room to get him downstairs instead of beckoning him from the ground floor – just to avoid saying 'Robin'.

(Photo Courtesy: Jamal Ali/Accessed by The Quint) 

Ali says that he was terrified at the thought of his son living as a trans man, thinking that the world would isolate and discriminate against him. On some days, he would wake up in the middle of the night with terrible nightmares, sending his son text messages to check up on him.

"I thought I was protecting him, giving him time to make what I saw as a big decision," he says.

"But, in reality, I was pushing him further away, denying him the acceptance he so desperately needed from his father. I didn’t understand the depth of Robin’s pain. I didn’t understand how much my refusal to fully acknowledge and accept him was hurting him. I thought we had more time, that things would get better, that time would heal. But time ran out."

Jamal Ali

On 23 September, Ali's brother came to his house at around 11:30 pm, informing him that Robin was in the hospital. Arriving there just after midnight, he asked the nurse to let him in to see his son, unbeknown of what had transpired. "I just wanted to see him, to tell him off for not taking care of himself, for not eating right," Ali says.

Around 30 minutes later, a doctor entered the room, informing Ali that his son had died.

"Her words hit me like a nightmare, one of those horror dreams you can’t wake up from. I couldn’t believe it. My head was spinning, and I was sure it couldn’t be true. I begged to see him, convinced that the doctor was wrong or that I was still trapped in some kind of dream. But she said there was an investigation underway, and I would have to wait until the officer gave permission."

When he was finally let through, on the condition that he wouldn't touch him, his heart sank at what he saw: the dead body of his son with a tube placed inside his mouth.

"And just like that, he was gone."

A tribute to Robin on Facebook. 

(Photo Courtesy: Jamal Ali/Accessed by The Quint) 

Lack of Acknowledgement for Gender Dysphoria

Issues concerning transgender people are among the most overlooked in the world, leading to mental health issues due to the lack of acknowledgment from different quarters. They face a disproportionate risk of violence (including sexual and physical violence), discrimination, and harassment often coupled with the possibility of social exclusion and prejudice. Many trans individuals have also spoken about the trauma experienced as a result of the rejection of their identity from family and peers.

According to a study conducted by the Williams Institute at UCLA, a staggering 81 percent of transgender adults in the US have thought about suicide, 42 percent have attempted it, and 56 percent have engaged in non-suicidal self-injury.

The study further states that compared to cisgender adults, transgender adults were seven times more likely to contemplate suicide and four times more likely to attempt it.

Similarly, according to a study conducted by the US-based National Library of Medicine, the suicide rate among transgender individuals in India was around 31 percent, with 50 percent of them having attempted suicide at least once before their 20th birthday.

Robin's last picture. 

(Photo Courtesy: Jamal Ali/Accessed by The Quint) 

"If there is any message I have for parents struggling to come to terms with their child's gender identity, it is this: listen more to them, spend time with them, and try to understand their point of view. To the children, I will say that you are the first priority of your parents no matter how you react to them. We will love you no matter what. If I knew my son had any kind of suicidal thoughts, I would have gone out of my way to protect him. It's too late for him, and his passing is a sorrow that will always haunt me. But I hope my story can help others like him."

Jamal Ali