4 Yrs Post Nirbhaya: Talking to a Dad Whose Child Has Been Raped

In the aftermath of rape, the struggles of the family and loved ones of the victims need to be talked about more.

A protester lights candles during a candlelight vigil to mark the first anniversary of the Delhi gangrape. (Photo: Reuters)

(On the 4th anniversary of the Nirbhaya case, we are still a long away from creating a safe space for women. A set of recent incidents involving gruesome rapes of women across the country has yet again raised several questions about the Indian society and the judiciary. We at The Quint believe that a rape survivor’s life doesn’t end when she is raped. And that even if our institutions – law, the judiciary, the hospitals – are failing a rape survivor, we as a society need to step up. And keep the fight going. We are publishing this article originally published on 24 July 2016 from The Quint’s archives as part of our #FightingRape campaign.)

Rape is not simply a violation of the body or an act of sexual gratification. Of course it’s not, and if I were to harp on this any further, I would only be adding yet another voice to an already far advanced discourse about this most barbaric and condemnable act.

Instead, let’s talk about those close to the victims; those who may have not been subjected to the act physically, but have suffered the reality of a loved one being put through it.

Nirbhaya Fund was among series of measures taken by the government following the outrage over the Delhi-gangrape. (Photo: Reuters)

A Father’s Struggle for Justice

The Kiran Negi gangrape happened in 2012 when a 19-year-old was abducted from Delhi, gangraped by three men and left to bleed to death in mustard fields in Haryana. She was found on the fourth day and was alive until just a few hours before she was found, according to her post-mortem report. For three days, Kiran Negi bled to death. For three days the police failed Kunwar Singh Negi, the father desperately looking for his daughter.

When Kiran’s body was found, it was discovered that the accused had poured acid in her eyes and pushed a broken liquor bottle in her vagina – acts savage enough to induce goosebumps just by writing or reading about them. This was real violence which happened to a real person. This is not stuff of a slasher film or a gore novel.

Kiran’s case is still pending in the Supreme Court, the fight for justice being spearheaded by her father. Right before I spoke to him, I pondered for a good while over what could I possibly ask him. How does one talk about the rape and mutilation of a girl with her own father? What aspects does one address and what does one leave out?

<i>Kaun jaanta hai hum par jo beeti hai? Woh toh sirf humei hi pata hai –kaha,kaha bhatakna padha, kaha, kaha bhaagna padha.</i> (No one knows what we have gone through. Only we know how much we had to struggle and run around.)

Kunwar Singh Negi, Kiran’s Father

Commenting on the effect it had on his family, Singh says he has asked his two younger kids, a son and a daughter, to only concentrate on their studies and nothing else.

His wife, however, was affected the worst. “Uski halat bhot buri thi.” (She was in a terrible condition.)

Struggling with what we could assume to be shock and depression, Singh said she is better now than she used to be four years ago.

Referring to 9 February, the day of the crime, he says every year in February they disavow the existence of the day.

Woh din hota hi nahi, hum maante hi nahi. (That day does not exist, we do not believe it exists.)

When Singh was asked who he had to turn to in the family’s moment of despair, who was it that he could look to for help, he said:

<i>Aage dekho toh khaayi hai, peeche dekho toh khaayi hai. Duniya itni badhi hai, log hasi bhi udhaatei hai, chugli bhi kartei hai. Lekin ek pati aur pita ki haisiyat se –mai nahi karta toh kaun karta. Maine himmat nahi haari aur muje har kisi ka sahyog bhi mila hai. Pehle das aadmi the, ab das hazaar aadmi hai</i>. (There is no way ahead, there is no way behind. The world is a huge place – it has mocked us, made fun of us. But as a husband and father – if I didn’t take care of my family who would? I have not given up and many people have helped me. Earlier I had 10 people with me, today I have 10 thousand.)

Speaking on the trauma that loved ones of the victim goes through, Dr Achal Bhagat of Apollo Hospital says it can lead “to avoidance of every day experiences and an identity of being a victim. This is crucifying. The impact of violence against the body becomes the demolition of a person’s mind. Yet, people survive. What helps them survive is the parallel experience of validation and support that a person may receive from those who support them or love them.”

When the Perpetrator Became the Victim

Earlier this year in April, a man chopped off the hands of a 17-year-old boy who had allegedly raped his eight-month-old daughter.

Dr Bhagat comments on the anger those close to the victim experience in the following manner:

Survivors of sexual violence and their close family members and friends remember the experience of violence as end of life experiences. The memory is very stark and emotion-laden. But more importantly, violence challenges their identity of being able to control their life and protect their dignity.

Dr Achal Bhagat, Senior Consultant Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist Apollo Hospital and Chairperson, Saarthak

When a Mother Went Into Denial

Jisha was found dead in her home last Thursday, with thirty wounds on her body. (Photo Courtesy: Change.org petition)

The rape of a 30-year-old law student from Kerala in April has been one of the most barbaric cases. Jisha was raped by a neighbour in her house, who brutalised and mutilated her body.

However, the narrative that her mother had to offer was an even more heart-wringing one. The mother refused to believe what had happened to Jisha and even after her death, continued making statements like:

Since the day my child was born, we shared meals together. How can I eat when my child is probably starving somewhere? Can anybody tell me whether she has eaten? She wants to fight for people like us, poor people, those who have been discriminated against.

Rajeshwari, Jisha’s Mother

Why We Need to Talk About the Loved Ones

Dr Bhagat says:

A sense of wallowing in a sea of helplessness is triggered whenever the person experiences any further loss of control. Each time a new event in the life of a survivor (or those around them) reminds them of their experience of violence, it is retraumatising.

There is a need to initiate this dialogue. Families of victims are often subjected to ridicule and discrimination, and we still have a long way to go in changing this. Every rape is not merely an act of sexual perversion or a desperate assertion of power, but also a reflection of a cankerous society.

Even though India as a country lacks efficient infrastructure for counselling and other psychological help for victims and their families, there are several organisations working for women and violence against them that can be approached.

There will not be a bright morning one fine day when rapes will end. The perpetrators and rape culture have to be consciously fought, on every level. From our ideologies, to perception of gender identities, to caste politics and power dynamics – every issue has to be dragged out into the open and analysed in excruciating detail. This, coupled with sincere action, seems to be one of the solutions. This struggle began a long time ago and it’s time to see it through to its end. #KeepFighting