'But He's Your Husband': My Story of Marital Rape and Survival

He'd tell me, “If you don’t have sex with me, I will go out and do it. Does that not worry you?” It didn’t worry me.

Women are never taught they can say 'no' to their spouses. Men, in turn, are never educated about consent. Instead, the society sets the rule about women's bodies where a husband does not need your consent, and you cannot say no to your husband.

(Photo: The Quint)

<Trigger warning: Mentions of marital rape. Reader discretion advised.> 

I did not know that was marital rape – until I knew better. 'And when you know better, you do better', as Maya Angelou famously said. In my case, I want to 'do better' by talking about my lived experience, especially at a time when India still (infuriatingly) does not label marital rape as 'rape'.

I was in my mid-twenties when I met my ex-husband through common friends. After three years of dating, we got married. And nine years later, we were divorced when my child was four. 

Trouble began within the first few months of our marriage. I lived with my husband and my in-laws. 

It started with minor quibbles between us, then disagreements between the in-laws and me, and before I knew it, that house became a place that drove me to depression.

My in-laws were not fond of me from the start of our relationship because I did not belong to their community. They were vocal in their dislike for me — the fact that I couldn't speak their language, or I didn't know about their traditions. My work hours, too, bothered them, and they would constantly nag me.

While my husband and I were going through a rough patch, my in-laws' disdain for me made things worse. 

After six months of this ordeal, I moved back to my parents’ place and wanted out, but I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to. I was told, “Every marriage has issues. You can’t run away from it. You have to make it work,” and so I stayed.  I stayed in a place where I was unhappy, lost, and lonely.

'Does Emotional Intimacy Hold No Value?'

After moving back to his house, my husband and I'd regularly try and talk about our differences and what drove us to this place – the life we wanted to build together, crumble before us, broke us. To make our marriage work, my husband suggested we get intimate, but my immediate response was no. He believed it would help us reconnect, but I couldn’t think of it.

I needed to feel emotionally connected to be physically close, but he didn’t understand that. His emotional distance and unavailability in other aspects of our relationship pushed us even further apart.

One night, after talking about our days, he again suggested we get intimate. I refused and went to sleep. Sure, sex and intimacy are important in conjugal relations. Physical intimacy can help strengthen the bond between spouses, but what about emotional intimacy? Does that hold no value?

How do we expect a wife to have sex with her husband if she feels disconnected? After marriage, does a woman have no right to her own body?

Can she not say no to someone who wants to touch her, just because he is her husband? Does he own her?

And then, it happened. I was violated. 

I was asleep, and around 3 am, I woke up to find him on top of me. I told him to stop, but he didn’t. He forced himself into me, and I just lay there. Listless. In a daze.

The next morning, I didn't confront him – let alone talk about it. Even I myself lacked the terminology to understand that was rape, because as a woman, you're conditioned to think, “Oh, he is your husband. How can it be rape?”

But something changed in me. The next few days, I was petrified to even lie down next to him. I stayed awake as long as I could on most nights. 

After a few sleepless nights, I told him how I felt. I expressed about feeling violated – without ever using the word ‘rape’.

And then, a few nights later, he did it again. My body and my mind felt repulsed by his presence. Even though he was my husband, I knew forcing himself on me wasn’t right.

How Does One Talk About it?

I went to my parents’ home for the next few days but did not share this with anyone.

What would I say? “My husband had sex with me even when I said no.” Would my family sympathise with me or simply brush it aside, saying, “He is your husband.” 

That was my real fear – the fear of my feelings being rejected.

When I returned, I spoke to him assertively and told him, “You cannot force yourself on me. You cannot get intimate with me if I don’t consent to it.” He was confused about why I was so affected. After all, we are married. Sex is part of marriage, isn’t it?

“You are my wife, and you have to get intimate, no matter how you feel,” he retorted.

But I did not like him touching me anymore.

I'd try to sleep before he got home or pretend to be sick just to evade him. After that, when he wanted to have sex, I’d say no, and if I agreed, I was never fully present.

For him, his unmet primal need was making things worse.

He would tell me, “If you don’t have sex with me, I will go out and do it. Does that not worry you?” It didn’t worry me.

'Because Men Need it...'

Women are never taught they can say 'no' to their spouses. Men, in turn, are never educated about consent. Instead, the society sets the rule about women's bodies where a husband does not need your consent, and you cannot say no to your husband. When I opened up to my mother about how I felt, she'd say, ‘You have to sleep with him. Men need it. You are making it worse by not getting intimate with him.’

After years of trying to make things work, numerous therapy sessions, and sit-downs with family members, we decided to part ways and filed for a divorce. It was a very difficult decision because we had a four-year-old child. 

Everyone advised me to stay in my marriage for my child. But I left for my child. I wanted to give him an environment that set healthy relationship standards, fostering happiness and love.

Today, my ex-husband and I co-parent and lead happier lives.

Like many women, I did not consider taking legal recourse for marital rape – and my reason might sound selfish. I wanted my child to know his father and for them to be a part of each other's lives.

There was also the fear of my feelings being dismissed (again) and reduced to, “But he is your husband.” 

He might have been my husband, but I did not consent. And after knowing much better now, that's what should have mattered.

Aloka Verma* is a 40-year-old Delhi-based media professional. Her name has been changed to protect her identity.