'All That Matters is Love': Couple Opens Up About Living With an HIV+ Partner

"We fight, we love, and there are challenges like any other relationship, HIV doesn't make it any harder."

World AIDS Day 2024: Living and Loving when your partner is HIV +

(Photo: Chetan Bakhuni/FIT)

"When I first met him, I thought he was gay," laughs Neelam (name changed on request). "We became friends, and I was very free with him because I thought he wasn't into me."

Chinmay laughs too, chiming in, "I found out later that she thought I was gay. I liked her from the time I saw her. I was just very shy."

Chinmay, 31 – a person living with HIV since birth, and Neelam, 29 – not HIV positive herself, but a survivor of parents who succumbed to complications from it – met at a training programme for PLHIV in 2019.

As per the latest HIV estimates report by the Minister of Health and Family Welfare, there are 23.49 lakh people living with HIV/AIDS (PLH) in India in 2019.

Chinmay and Neelam have been together for four years now, and they want you to know that HIV doesn't hinder one's chances of finding love. This is the story of how they navigate love, life and relationships with HIV.

'It Was Tricky': How It All Began

"We constantly talked on the phone, and after a month or so she visited me in Delhi. That's when I thought, okay this is something long-term," Chinmau tells FIT. The couple started dating in 2019, soon after the training programme.

At first, like most couples, they were just 'going with the flow.'

(Photo: Chetan Bakhuni/FIT)

"Our relationship started off crazy because nothing was clear and we didn't know where it would go, and how we would make it work. But we just kept on going with the flow."

Chinmay, 31

Chinmay was born with HIV in 1992, just six years after the first case was detected in India in 1986. "I am one of the oldest people living with HIV, who was born with it."

"Sharing my status with Neelam was one of the first and most important things I did. If she wasn't okay with it, the relationship just couldn't go forward, but somehow I knew she wouldn't care," he adds.

Neelam, sharing her side of the story, tells FIT, "I was always okay with it, especially because I've seen my parents live with HIV happily when they were alive. So his health condition never affected my love for him."

'Talking About Things & Putting to Action Different'

Chinmay's HIV status was the least of their challenges.

"We talked about everything clearly from the beginning. There was nothing hidden. But discussing and actually putting an effort to put into action are two different things," says Neelam.

After a spell of being in a long-distance relationship, they decided to take a leap and shift to Surat together in 2020 – where Chinmay's parents are based. This brought its own set of challenges.

"It was tricky to convince my parents about Neelam because she comes from Darjeeling, her parents are no more, and they were apprehensive that we don't know anything about her family and background."

Chinmay, 31

For Neelam, the move brought its own anxiety – "It was difficult for me at first to adapt to the culture and the family."

On top of everything else, Chinmay's health also took a nosedive at this time. He was diagnosed with permanent kidney dysfunction and also caught COVID-19.

"At the time, everyone was confused about our relationship. He was also having doubts, asking me, 'Why do you want to move forward with me when my health is in such a risky state?'" says Neelam.

"But in my view, just because he has these issues now doesn't mean I won't have any health issues in the future. So what's the point of thinking about 'what if my health deteriorates in the future?'."

Neelam, 29

'Relationships With HIV Are Not All That Different'

"There are just some basic precautions you have to take (for HIV). Apart from that, life is pretty much the same as for anyone else," says Chinmay.

"Our relationship and the challenges within it are the same as any other couple trying to make their relationship work."

Chinmay, 31

(Photo: Chetan Bakhuni/FIT)

"There is no need for any special treatment to make sure that someone who is HIV positive can be in a relationship with a person who is not positive," he adds. "You just have to make sure you have the right information on how your partner can be safe from getting the virus."

HIV medication has come a long way, and it's possible for someone who is living with HIV to be untransmittable.

In case of discordant partners (where one person is HIV positive, and the other isn't), there are several lines of protection that can ensure the virus isn't transmitted.

• For one, if a person living with HIV is on antiretroviral therapy (ART), taking their medication regularly, and their status is undetectable, they can't pass on the virus.

"Essentially, the medicines put the viruses in your body in a coma. So it's important to take the medicine at the right time in the right dose, everyday. If its irregular, the dormant viruses can revive and multiply."

Neelam, 29

• There are also pre and post exposure prophylaxis called PrEP and PEP that someone who is at risk of getting HIV can take to further protect themselves.

"These can be used if you partake in risky behaviour (unprotected sex, drug use involving needles). It's helped people wanting to have a child with an HIV positive partner," explains Neelam.

• It goes without saying that safe sex is a must, for everyone, regardless of whether you or your partner are HIV positive.

If you're in doubt, and in need of professional guidance, there are over 500 ART centres in India with counsellors and doctors there who you can consult you can speak to discreetly.

"Because these centres under the National AIDS Control Organisation are run by the government and supported by other not-for-profit organisations like Global Fund, it is free and fairly accessible," explains Neelam.

But, she goes on,

"At the end of the day, your health status is not what really matters. It's the attitude, understanding, and support you have between each other, just like other couples."

Breaking Barriers of Stigma, and the Onward Journey

"Because of my parents' HIV status, the rest of my family cut me off. So I have experienced the discrimination first hand, even though I am not HIV + myself," says Neelam.

"Even though they belonged to an educated and respectable family in Darjeeling, they didn't tell anyone how my father died. They refused to take responsibility for my mother saying they didn't want to put themselves at risk, and after she died, they never accepted me."

Neelam, 29

Neelam had been involved in activism around HIV awareness since she was a child, and having been surrounded by people in the community, she said she's had support. But still, she's wary and keeps their relationship a secret from anyone outside this bubble.

"I don't have any friends outside the networks and even if I don't talk about Chinmay with them. I don't post anything personal on social media either," she says.

(Photo: Chetan Bakhuni/FIT)

Chinmay, on the other hand, has been open about his HIV status since he was a child, and so he's no stranger to wary stares, ignorant questions and deliberate distancing from classmates, friends' parents, and even teachers. But, he says, he powered through it with his head held high. "I was never ashamed of my condition."

Something people don't often focus upon is how deeply HIV is linked to mental health, says Chinmay. "Even if you are taking medicines, if your mental health is not well, your viral load might be affected. So, if you're accepting everything and taking it in stride, I think that's more important."

Lastly, speaking about what keeps their relationship ticking and moving forward, Chinmay says,

"Its her courage that I really admire. She has been alone for half of her life. If it was me I wuldn't have been able to study and build a career like she did without the support of my parents."

Chinmay, 31

"But also, I always tease her a lot. She gets worked up easily and I enjoy that," he adds making Neelam laugh.

"For me, he's really understanding and kind, and the one person that knows my soul," she says.

And at the end of the day, isn't that what really matters in a loving relationship?

(If you have questions about HIV, tests, treatment and profylaxis options, or need counselling, you can call the National AIDS Control Organisation's (NACO) toll free hotline at 1097.)