Sexolve 320: 'She Spends More Time With Him, Than Me'

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer's weekly column on love, sex, and relationships.

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer's Q&A space on FIT

(Photo: iStock)

(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As are below:

'She Spends More Time With Him, Than Me'

'I end up looking like a drama queen when I rein him into our circle.'

(Photo: iStock)

Dear RainbowMan,

I am in a poly relationship with my partner for the past 2 years. We both feel incredibly in love with each other, and we want to leave no inhibitions among each other.

My partner is a transgender man. I mean, he gets to meet people who he wants to I get to meet people I want to. We share our space, our bodies with others, but come back to each other.

The problem is that with some of these people he ends up spending more time and gets really close to them.

He ends up spending days and nights and goes out for movies and vacations with them. I end up looking like a drama queen when I rein him into our circle.

He does love me, and he gives up his other relationships when I rein him in. But then he misses them and keeps longing for them from time to time.

I feel good that he has his share of dates and I have my share of dates, but sometimes it gets too difficult to compartmentalise.

His girlfriends have started getting demanding of his time and effort, and truly, he loves them too.

He tells them honestly about the poly relationship, but then he also gives in too much of himself to them. Also, they, despite knowing that he is in a relationship with me, get into a relationship with him.

They love him so much, and every time this happens. It's been 4 times in 2 years already. It gets too taxing for me to take in.

I have broken up with him 3 times in 2 years, but I end up going back to him. How do I stop him from cheating on me?

Troubled Love

Dear Love,

Thank you for writing in.

Love charters difficult paths and gets us to know that we have a heart, by ensuring that it aches

"I know some people who label polyamourous relationships as frivolous. They fail to see the great amount of heartwork that is put into it. In my opinion, it is a matured relationship, sometimes selfless, that promises boundless love and compassion."

No two polyamorous relationship webs can be woven exactly the same way.

There are relationships where there is a primary relationship and a secondary relationship.

There are poly relationships which are two primary relationships and other happenstance relationships that happen and are forgotten later.

There are poly relationships that are a triad, a tetra and other shapes and structures. It is for the people in the relationship to draw the boundaries as they desire so that the relationships sustain themselves with no or minimum heart ache.

No one else can decide for them, but themselves.

"When you set your heart free in the spirit of polyamoury, after agreeing on the boundaries, there is no holding back. The heart that is free to roam, will perch on someone’s soul."

I wish to draw your attention to the 'someone' here. The person may be referred to in the third person, but this person is also the affected party. Clearly your boyfriend is drifting towards the other person.

He may have specified you and him as the primary relationship, but he may still his heart is free to fly and perch in someone’s heart.

Now when you make your call, and call him back to your nest, he leaves the other person completely and comes back to you.

Now imagine, what happens to the person who has just been shown so much love and affection, and suddenly the love they have found has disappeared.

It seems like this is his nature. To love unboundedly, without any inhibitions. He delves deep and doesnt care for boundaries until you remind him.

Maybe, he would need that reminder again and again. Maybe you need to check if you want to be in a relationship that demands so much of you. He definitely seems to be head-over-heels in love with you, that is why he leaves everyone high-and-dry and comes back to you.

But maybe it is also his nature to lose his sense of time and get really close.

You will have to decide, if you are putting up with his nature and accepting that this is the way it will be, or do you feel insecure everytime this happens.

This affects not just you and him but everyone in this relationship. It would get really upsetting when someone retracts after going too far.

Your decision impacts the love life of not just yours and your boyfriend’s but everyone in this relationship.

If this is his nature, maybe you should line up your expectations accordingly. Or decide, if you accept him the way he is, or move on from here to a space that you would want to be in.

Give it some deep thought. Sometimes we all hold on to something that was always meant to be set free.

Regards,

RainbowMan

P.S. Either we accept the flight of freedom or we choose to set ourselves free

'My To-Be Husband Is 20 Years Older'

'I dont want to marry him.'

(Photo: iStock)

Dear RainbowMan,

I am an educated person. I have a CA and I also have an engineering degree.

I work with an MNC and am doing well in my life. However, I am also very family oriented. My family means a lot to me. In my family it is common for us to marry our cousin. My cousin is 20 years older.

I dont want to marry him, but find it difficult to tell my family the same. The issue doesnt seem to bother my family.

I dont want to reveal my identity as I dont want to come across as ageist. Please guide me.

Young Bride

Dear Young Bride,

Thank you for writing in.

I am glad that you are recognising what you want in your life, in terms of a partner, before the wedding. You will be hopefully spending your entire life with your partner. You ought to have an opinion on this decision.

"Tradition doesn’t need to be weighed in more than consent."

If you are unhappy with your family’s decision of a groom for you, you must voice it. It should also be a tradition where an individual's own personal desires and consent is taken when there is a decision about that individual’s life.

"Maybe, you can start this new tradition. Stand up. Speak up."

Regarding you being bothered about your cousin’s age. When two people who are of two different eras decide to look at an alliance together, they should be completely aware of the challenges, differences of opinions so that one is able to navigate though the differences and build bridges on the commanalities. Denying the obvious age difference will not do any good to either of you.

You are just making a decision for yourself and trying to see if you want to really take a plunge despite the age. That is called being fair to yourself. ‘

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. Let them know it is a no. If it is a no.

'Lump in My Breast'

'Should I visit a doctor?'

(Photo: iStock)

Dear RainbowMan,

I have a lump in my breast. I am a man. Should I visit a doctor. Do men get cancer of the breast

Worried Man

Dear Man,

Breast cancer is found in men too. Rarer in men, but there are cases.

It doesnt help when you are paranoid.

Please fix up an appointment with the doctor for yourself. Preferably an oncologist to get a check done. The doctor will start a line of treatment early, if you visit early.

Good luck

RainbowMan

P.S. Get an appointment as soon as you read this.