People With Depression Can Still Laugh: Story of An Abuse Survivor

For an entire week, Lasya shut herself indoors, switched off all lights, looked in the mirror, and cried.

Lasya Nadimpally was 24 years old when she suffered her first nervous breakdown less than a year ago.

(Illustration: Erum Gour/The Quint)

Lasya Nadimpally was 24 years old when she suffered her first nervous breakdown and was diagnosed with clinical depression less than a year ago.

“Depression for me would be darkness”, says Lasya, remembering the time when she shut herself indoors for a week.

“I shut myself indoors for a week.”(Illustration: Erum Gour/The Quint)

For an entire week, she did nothing but look at herself in the mirror and cry. She said she would just stare into nothingness and keep crying without making any sense of it.

“I would just look in the mirror and cry.” (Illustration: Erum Gour/The Quint)

She describes it as a feeling of drowning, being pulled downwards by an unexplainable force.

It felt like I was in a maze without an end to it. I was breathless and there was no exit door.

“It felt like I was drowning”. (Illustration: Erum Gour/The Quint)

The breakdown that Lasya had at 24 had been in the offing for years, ever since she was a child. What could presumably be Lasya’s first exposure to emotional strain came at the age of three when her parents separated.

Talking of her childhood, Lasya says that while some kids would have a familiar street or silly games as their first childhood memory, hers is an image of her parents fighting. Due to differences between the two, Lasya’s mother had to leave the house and come and stay with her parents and brother’s family.

After this shift in her life, things took a turn for the worse. Every member of the family, barring her mother, used to abuse Lasya emotionally and physically.

“Back then in ‘95,” remembers Lasya, “chocopie used to be a big deal. My uncle would get a chocopie every evening, cut it into two equal halves and give it to his children. I was the third child in the house and I never got that chocopie. It was hard to explain to myself back then why I was being deprived of things. I grew up believing I don’t deserve them.”

Over the years, Lasya’s coping mechanism became dreaming up scenarios when things would be different.

“I would dream up scenarios when things would be different.” (Illustration: Erum Gour/The Quint)

I did not dream of unicorns or any of those fancy things, just ordinary stuff. Like one day I would start living with my classmates and not with the people I was living with.

Imagining scenarios when things would be better became a manner of coping for years. Lasya would spend hours at night, constructing and reconstructing situations where things did not seem as bleak as the present. The mechanism worked for her entire life until the breakdown.

There came a point when, Lasya believes, there was absolutely no make-belief reality she could take shelter in. Even imagined scenarios seemed incredibly dark and far-away in the future, if possible at all.

In the meantime, her anxiety had begun to cause psychosomatic problems in the form of diabetes, obesity and PCOD (Polycystic Ovarian Disease). Lasya’s weight had reached levels which could cause fatal heart problems.

While grappling with these health problems, Lasya still did not consider how her anxiety could be a cause for them until her breakdown. During the breakdown she also had suicidal thoughts.

Sitting in her room, Lasya would imagine how she would go to the kitchen, concoct a potion of fatally poisonous liquids and drink it.

Confessing to being immensely hesitant in seeking help, Lasya says she visited a therapist only because a friend scheduled an appointment and forced her to go.

Therapy made me nervous. Throughout my conversation with my therapist, I cried, fidgeted and tapped my feet constantly. She told me I had anxiety and that I have to see a psychiatrist for she cannot heal me emotionally until the medical aspect is taken care of.

After meeting with a psychiatrist, Lasya was diagnosed with moderate clinical depression and anxiety.

“I was on pills for five months from December to April.” (Illustration: Erum Gour/The Quint)

I was on pills for five months from December to April. They worked as long as I was taking them. They made me live in the moment and concentrate on work better. But they also gave me terrible mood swings which would worsen right before I got my period.

Even though recovery from depression is never an ascending graph, the first trigger towards it came in the form of skydiving, says Lasya who also works as a travel writer.

For one of her projects at work, they needed someone to skydive. Lasya volunteered for it despite having no prior experience of any kind of adventure sport.

I had never done any adventure sports before because I never thought I deserved any of it... Right before the jump... I looked at the sky and it felt like home.

“I looked at the sky and it felt like home.” (Illustration: Erum Gour/The Quint)

When I landed, I realised I have no fear. If I could face death and come out of it, I could come out of anything.

“When I landed, I realised I have no fear.” (Illustration: Erum Gour/The Quint)

Eventually, Lasya also forgave her family members. However, she says, she likes to avoid seeing them if possible.

My mom taught me this amazing thing called forgiveness. Depression left me a changed person, I see it as a regeneration of sorts. I’ve learnt to choose my mental peace over everything and be more assertive. I say no when I want to and am more content now.

People need to know that when someone is depressed they can laugh, emphasises Lasya, who used to “laugh all the time”, saying that society looks at depression like they would at someone who has HIV.

You are aware they exist, but you are not ready to accept it when it happens to someone close to you or to you.

In March 2017, Lasya adopted a puppy and claims she has not needed therapy since then. Around the same time, she discontinued her pills as well.

“I adopted a puppy, I haven’t needed therapy since then.” (Illustration: Erum Gour/The Quint)

Coming out of depression is a lot like dieting, according to Lasya.

There are 20 chocolates in front of you and you have to train yourself to not eat them. It’s same with thoughts. I had to consciously train myself to not think the thoughts which were wrong for me.

“There are ten chocolates in front of you and you have to train yourself to not eat them.” (Illustration: Erum Gour/The Quint)

People become used to their pain and find comfort in them, but pulling yourself out of it is the most difficult mental task ever, she further adds.

“Pulling yourself out of it is the most difficult mental task ever.” (Illustration: Erum Gour/The Quint)

On the topic of seeking help for anyone undergoing depression, Lasya concludes by saying that not seeking help is a very unwise thing to do. The mind is part of the human body and it needs medical treatment too if it falls sick.

(This Diwali, make the right kind of noise and send us a video saying #PatakhaHayeHaye to [e-mail]. Join the FIT campaign to fight pollution.)

Lasya Nadimpally was 24 years old when she suffered her first nervous breakdown and was diagnosed with clinical depression less than a year ago.

“Depression for me would be darkness”, says Lasya, remembering the time when she shut herself indoors for a week.

“I shut myself indoors for a week.”(Illustration: Erum Gour/The Quint)

For an entire week, she did nothing but look at herself in the mirror and cry. She said she would just stare into nothingness and keep crying without making any sense of it.

“I would just look in the mirror and cry.” (Illustration: Erum Gour/The Quint)

She describes it as a feeling of drowning, being pulled downwards by an unexplainable force.

It felt like I was in a maze without an end to it. I was breathless and there was no exit door.

“It felt like I was drowning”. (Illustration: Erum Gour/The Quint)

The breakdown that Lasya had at 24 had been in the offing for years, ever since she was a child. What could presumably be Lasya’s first exposure to emotional strain came at the age of three when her parents separated.

Talking of her childhood, Lasya says that while some kids would have a familiar street or silly games as their first childhood memory, hers is an image of her parents fighting. Due to differences between the two, Lasya’s mother had to leave the house and come and stay with her parents and brother’s family.

After this shift in her life, things took a turn for the worse. Every member of the family, barring her mother, used to abuse Lasya emotionally and physically.

“Back then in ‘95,” remembers Lasya, “chocopie used to be a big deal. My uncle would get a chocopie every evening, cut it into two equal halves and give it to his children. I was the third child in the house and I never got that chocopie. It was hard to explain to myself back then why I was being deprived of things. I grew up believing I don’t deserve them.”

Over the years, Lasya’s coping mechanism became dreaming up scenarios when things would be different.

“I would dream up scenarios when things would be different.” (Illustration: Erum Gour/The Quint)

I did not dream of unicorns or any of those fancy things, just ordinary stuff. Like one day I would start living with my classmates and not with the people I was living with.

Imagining scenarios when things would be better became a manner of coping for years. Lasya would spend hours at night, constructing and reconstructing situations where things did not seem as bleak as the present. The mechanism worked for her entire life until the breakdown.

There came a point when, Lasya believes, there was absolutely no make-belief reality she could take shelter in. Even imagined scenarios seemed incredibly dark and far-away in the future, if possible at all.

In the meantime, her anxiety had begun to cause psychosomatic problems in the form of diabetes, obesity and PCOD (Polycystic Ovarian Disease). Lasya’s weight had reached levels which could cause fatal heart problems.

While grappling with these health problems, Lasya still did not consider how her anxiety could be a cause for them until her breakdown. During the breakdown she also had suicidal thoughts.

Sitting in her room, Lasya would imagine how she would go to the kitchen, concoct a potion of fatally poisonous liquids and drink it.

Confessing to being immensely hesitant in seeking help, Lasya says she visited a therapist only because a friend scheduled an appointment and forced her to go.

Therapy made me nervous. Throughout my conversation with my therapist, I cried, fidgeted and tapped my feet constantly. She told me I had anxiety and that I have to see a psychiatrist for she cannot heal me emotionally until the medical aspect is taken care of.

After meeting with a psychiatrist, Lasya was diagnosed with moderate clinical depression and anxiety.

“I was on pills for five months from December to April.” (Illustration: Erum Gour/The Quint)

I was on pills for five months from December to April. They worked as long as I was taking them. They made me live in the moment and concentrate on work better. But they also gave me terrible mood swings which would worsen right before I got my period.

Even though recovery from depression is never an ascending graph, the first trigger towards it came in the form of skydiving, says Lasya who also works as a travel writer.

For one of her projects at work, they needed someone to skydive. Lasya volunteered for it despite having no prior experience of any kind of adventure sport.

I had never done any adventure sports before because I never thought I deserved any of it... Right before the jump... I looked at the sky and it felt like home.

“I looked at the sky and it felt like home.” (Illustration: Erum Gour/The Quint)

When I landed, I realised I have no fear. If I could face death and come out of it, I could come out of anything.

“When I landed, I realised I have no fear.” (Illustration: Erum Gour/The Quint)

Eventually, Lasya also forgave her family members. However, she says, she likes to avoid seeing them if possible.

My mom taught me this amazing thing called forgiveness. Depression left me a changed person, I see it as a regeneration of sorts. I’ve learnt to choose my mental peace over everything and be more assertive. I say no when I want to and am more content now.

People need to know that when someone is depressed they can laugh, emphasises Lasya, who used to “laugh all the time”, saying that society looks at depression like they would at someone who has HIV.

You are aware they exist, but you are not ready to accept it when it happens to someone close to you or to you.

In March 2017, Lasya adopted a puppy and claims she has not needed therapy since then. Around the same time, she discontinued her pills as well.

“I adopted a puppy, I haven’t needed therapy since then.” (Illustration: Erum Gour/The Quint)

Coming out of depression is a lot like dieting, according to Lasya.

There are 20 chocolates in front of you and you have to train yourself to not eat them. It’s same with thoughts. I had to consciously train myself to not think the thoughts which were wrong for me.

“There are ten chocolates in front of you and you have to train yourself to not eat them.” (Illustration: Erum Gour/The Quint)

People become used to their pain and find comfort in them, but pulling yourself out of it is the most difficult mental task ever, she further adds.

“Pulling yourself out of it is the most difficult mental task ever.” (Illustration: Erum Gour/The Quint)

On the topic of seeking help for anyone undergoing depression, Lasya concludes by saying that not seeking help is a very unwise thing to do. The mind is part of the human body and it needs medical treatment too if it falls sick.

(This Diwali, make the right kind of noise and send us a video saying #PatakhaHayeHaye to [e-mail]. Join the FIT campaign to fight pollution.)