Sexolve 160: ‘I Am Attracted to Aunties. How Do I Control Myself?’

“It helps when we beat an obsessive state of mind with a habit that is good-to-have”, writes Harish Iyer.

“Don’t make masturbation an obsession,” writes Harish Iyer.

(Photo: iStockphoto)

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&A is below:

‘I Often Cry When Nobody Notices. How Do I Beat My Loneliness and Inferiority Complex?’

“They come to me for their life-problems but don’t want to listen to mine.”(Photo: iStockphoto)

Dear RainbowMan,

I am an average but hardworking student. My parents love me, but they always keep nagging my past academic failure which is affecting me. I feel demotivated and a burden on my family as most of my cousins are good at academics. I don't have many friends. My best friend walked out of our friendship comparing me to her new friend. This is not the first time this is happening. It has happened multiple times. They come to me for their life-problems but don't want to listen to mine, saying that I am too negative. Since then, I feel very lonely. I want to talk to my parents about my problems but they mock and scold me and tell me I am too dramatic. I often cry when no one notices. I am responsible for the condition in my life. I may not be the perfect one to be befriended. I have lost all the motivation and enthusiasm for my life and my goals. I broke all the gifts of my friends and deleted their contacts. I know I have become short-tempered. Can you suggest me some ways by which I can forgive myself, regain some energy for life, and beat my inferiority complex ? I will be obliged.

Thanking you in advance,

The Lonely Introvert Girl

Dear Lonely Girl,

Considering that you classify yourself as introverted, I know that it would have taken you some effort to share this with me, so let me begin by thanking you for giving me the privilege of knowing what you are going through.

I know it is very challenging when all our life gets reduced to the percentage of marks that we acquire in our exams. Academics are important for getting a good job and making a good life, but academics are not life. Our parents and family sometimes put undue pressure on children to perform well in exams. I may not be in your shoes, but I can well understand the pressure.

Understand that you are not alone. You have people around you who will listen to you and will love you.

To address the issue you need to undress the issue.

You have done good by sharing, sharing by itself is therapeutic.

Sharing is a way of self-introspection. It is an honest attempt to look at your own life with a new pair of lens and to look at it. So whenever you get frustrated, just pick up your computer or your phone and share with a friend or even write to me.

Not everyone has appropriate responses all the time, but we have ears and eyes, and we can use them effectively to listen and read.

I would send you a great deal of advice, but since you are dealing with a specific issue, that would need a controlled plan, I would very strongly suggest that you visit a mental health professional who can gauge your mental health and give you some regular assignments that will help you evaluate and look at life differently.

If it puts you at ease, even people who advice others go through psychotherapy. Even psychologists visit other psychlogists and I also have one.

Things get better.

Tight Hugs

RainbowMan

P.S. I’m here to listen.

“I Am Attracted to Aunties and Porn. How Do I Control Myself?’

‘It suddenly makes me horny and I start masturbating.”(Photo: iStockphoto)

Dear RainbowMan,

I'm from Singapore and now I'm working here. I am of Indian origin.

Here is my doubt about my sexual feelings. I have been masturbating a lot for the past five years but now I have started to control it. But I still have some problems. I'm interested in aunties and porn. I don’t know why, if I see a beautiful aunty or any porn, it suddenly makes my mood hot and horny which leads to me masturbating immediately.

Can you help me in this issue? How to overcome in this problem?

Uncontrollable Man

Dear Uncontrollable Man,

Thank you for sharing with me.

Firstly, I don’t find anything wrong in liking or getting attracted to a certain body-type and there is definitely nothing wrong in getting excited after watching porn (that’s the purpose of porn right?). There is nothing wrong in masturbating when excited. Everyday millions of sperms are formed in our body. If we don’t eject them by the way of masturbation, the sperm would find its way out in some other form, like night-falls/wet-dreams.

But yes, one shouldn’t make anything an obsession. One should masturbate only when excited.

It know it gets challenging to change a habit.

It helps when we beat an obsessive state of mind with a habit that is ‘good to have’. Do you like sports? Do you like cooking? Is there something that holds your attention and keeps your excitement up like porn does? Maybe it is time for you to invest your time and effort in the same.

Wish you good luck. Do not hesitate in visiting a counselor if the challenge still persists.

Regards

RainbowMan

P.S. Things get better.

“I Was Sexually Abused By My Father. What Should I Do?”

‘I was sexually assaulted when I was nine.”(Photo: iStockphoto)

(TRIGGER WARNING: Please note, this is a question about child sexual abuse.)

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 19 year old girl. I was sexually abused when I was nine by my own father. I had no memory of it till I turned 18. Last year when I was with my boyfriend and he got intimate with me, I shouted and screamed. It is not that I hadn’t felt sexual or was opposed to sex, but I didn’t realize that I had these phobias. It took me sometime to get dreams of my abuse. I didn’t remember who it was, but the whole of last year I just got nightmares. Recently, when my father came to kiss me on my cheeks, I smelt his breath and suddenly I could remember the same drunken breath is what my abuser had. That night, when I had the nightmare, I saw my dad. I know it is my dad. But how could I not remember it for so many years? How did I not remember? I am very upset.

Miss Blast From The Past

Dear Miss,

Thank you so much for writing in. Though others can only imagine what you must be going through, I would like to share with you that I am a survivor too.

Despite having gone through something similar in my life, I will not claim to know what you are going through. I can only share what happened with me. And leave stories of each other, to help us find its own peace.

I believe sharing is therapeutic, and reading about other’s journey is also very helpful. So here’s a bit of my life.

I was sexually abused when I was seven. And then I was gang raped when I was older. In the beginning, I only remembered that I was raped by one person. I kept thinking that it was fiction, I doubted the authenticity of my own story. However, with time, I started remembering more things. It was almost like fear and trauma had completely paralyzed my memory and now it was opening up. With time, I started remembering scents, room, clothes that I was wearing before the act and also other intricate details.

Sometimes, trauma pushes us in a spiral of self-doubt where we start doubting the authenticity of our story. But when we wake up from the slumber of trauma, we limp back to life and the realisation that it wasn’t a figment of our imagination, but a fact of life.

Give it time. Seek therapy.

Trauma splatters our memory all over. And we may remember bits and pieces of what happened with us. But just as one feels a sense of contentment when we complete a jigsaw puzzle, we would feel content to finally not see fragments of truths but one complete sequence of events that happened.

The fact that you still are in close proximity with your father may be challenging to you.

Give yourself time. Get yourself the assistance of a counsellor who could guide you and listen to you when you are going through a lot of conflicting thoughts and sometimes when you slip into self doubt.

I don’t know what justice means to you. Do you wish to file a case against your father, or do you wish to handle this differently? However, that comes at a later stage, the first and foremost thing is your emotional and mental well-being.

Please visit a counsellor. Also feel free to write to me on @hiyer on twitter, if you feel like speaking anytime to a fellow survivor.

Hugs

RainbowMan

P.S. Past will last forever, but present is present only NOW.

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to [e-mail])

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)