Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on The Quint.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationships, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.

This week’s Q&As below:

Will My Sperm Get Weak If I Over Masturbate?

Dear Rainbowman,

I am 27-years-old from Darjeeling. I have a peculiar problem. I used to masturbate two to three times a day, now the frequency has reduced to just once or twice a week. Since I have reached marriageable age, my parents have started sharing my horoscope with relatives. I am very scared of getting married because I think I have lost all my sperm due to excessive masturbation in childhood. Will I be able to father a child?

Dad Someday, Darjeeling

Dear Dad Someday,

One ejaculation should ideally contain over 20 million sperm cells. You just need one sperm to make a baby. If one doesn’t masturbate, the sperms would find its way out in the form of wet-dreams. I am not a doctor, but I can share that I have only read that masturbation is harmless. However, in life, one shouldn't make an obsessive habit of anything. Hence, masturbate only when excited, not because you are just habituated.

Regarding the potency of your sperm, I am yet to read about someone whose sperms became immobile because of ‘over masturbation’. I think you should visit a doctor to check on that. Be open with your doctor when you share. They will guide you.

Smiles
RainbowMan

My Boyfriend Is Getting Married to a Woman

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 30-year-old gay man and have been in a relationship with a guy for the past eight years. We have enjoyed a lot of precious moments together in terms of love and also sex. We had a great relationship, until recently, when his mother fell ill and demanded that he should get married to a woman. He agreed and is going to marry a common friend of ours.

They call it a “love” marriage. However, both my boyfriend and I know that there is no love in this marriage. My boyfriend tells me that he loves me and will continue to love me even after he gets married. We will spend weekends together, he says, and weekdays with his wife. I agreed as I love him. How will this work in reality? Do you know of such successful gay love stories. I am confused and a little scared that I may lose him?

The Good Boyfriend, Mumbai

Dear The Good Boyfriend,

Thank you for sharing this tough moment of your life. I know how difficult it would be when you realise that your boyfriend is giving into pressure and getting married to another person, just because that’s socially acceptable. I can almost feel your heart pounding in fear. I know it is difficult, but seriously, relax a little.

I am glad that you have found love in your boyfriend, and I also agree that love is precious and rare. But if one has dared to love, they should dare to stand up for their love too. Love is often put to test, especially if it is love that is forbidden. I wish your boyfriend doesn’t give in to the pressures. I wish that he stands up for you, if he loves you.

He can’t sail in two boats and expect one of them to not capsize. Heterosexual relationships are easier and socially accepted. I don’t want you to land in a soup where you feel like the one who has been taken for granted by merely being a weekend getaway escapade. Also, it is not fair on the woman he is marrying, because she is oblivious to all of this and she is being victimised without signing up for this.

Regarding the marriage pressure by his mother. Well, today it may seem convenient to give in to the pressure, but think about the future. How would it be if his wife gets to know about your affair one day and drags him to the court. His mother would be more upset that day when her son would have also been a party to wrecking the life of an innocent woman by way of this matrimony.

Would be nice if your boyfriend cancels his plans for marriage, considering that you feel that he doesnt really want this marriage. If you need to seek counselling advice you could write to me again, or even head to The Humsafar Trust in Vakola, Mumbai. Their team of counsellors are specially equipped to answer your queries.

Good luck. All the very best.

Smiles
RainbowMan

My Wife Does Not Want to Have Sex With Me During Her Periods

Dear RainbowMan,

My wife is not interested in having sex with me during her periods. She says that she feels immense pain in her vaginal area and finds it unhygienic. How do I convince her I find period sex interesting and kinky?

Kinky Man, Chennai

Dear Kinky Man,

Listen, your wife will have sex when she wishes to have sex with you. You feel kinky about period sex, she doesn’t share the kink, so please abort the idea. It would be highly insensitive of you if you try to have sex with her during her periods when she is in pain. I know we men can never feel the pain in the uterus because we simply don't have one. However, I wonder how difficult it is to empathise with the pain and discomfort that another individual goes through.

Respect her wishes. Don’t try to be rude to her. Have a conversation with her and only do things that are mutually acceptable to both of you.

I think where there is respect, sex is more pleasurable. Sometimes even more pleasurable than some momentary kink.

Smiles
RainbowMan

(The copy of the text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the person. You can send in your questions to sexolve@thequint.com)

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)

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