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I stare at the text I sent my friend. It's been an hour. She's seen it. But, there's no response.
I switch to another app to distract myself, and see that meme I sent another friend. It has no response either. Not even an emoji.
Two hours pass, and no response from either of them. My messages remain unanswered even after five hours. And like clockwork, my mind gets to work – sewing an elaborate tapestry of worst-case scenarios that has an apocalyptic end – me losing my friends.
I know the feeling is irrational, and unrealistic too. But when the mind wants to rile you up, it does a pretty good job of making its arguments sound logical. Is there a way to escape this web of insecurity? FIT speaks to mental health experts to find out.
Why do so many of us feel this way from time to time?
For one, mental health experts tell me that this feeling is linked to anxiety. So if you have been diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder, social anxiety, or just have a tendency to be anxious, you are more likely to experience such intrusive thoughts.
According to Dr Ruksheda Syeda, a psychotherapist based in Mumbai, and Dr Kamna Chhiber, Head of Department of Mental Health and Behavioural Sciences, Fortis Hospital, Gurugram, some other underlying causes for this thought pattern could be:
Low self-esteem
Loneliness
Fear of abandonment
Past experiences
Insecure attachment style
"It may have some sort of linkage with their past experiences where their experiences may have been invalidated," adds Dr Chhibber.
An attachment style is a specific pattern of behaviour in and around relationships.
"All of this is also dependent on past experiences which may have cemented these kinds of insecurities in them," says Dr Syeda.
Dr Syeda talks about how your negative experience with the various relationships in your childhood can shape your pattern of behaviour when it comes to relationships in the future.
“People can become very insecure with themselves, and worry, 'Oh, people will figure out what kind of person I am and leave me,' she adds.
Having been through it enough times, I came to realise that this thought process forced me to view my relationships as being less secure than they really were.
Now, say your assumption is correct. It's possible some people may be mad at you, or even dislike you. Then what?
The idea that someone might not like them is not something people with low self-esteem and insecure attachment style can easily cope with.
This sets off a cycle of self-destructive thought, wherein all their negative beliefs about themselves get reinforced.
"They start thinking along the lines of, 'Oh, I knew this would happen, I knew nobody likes me, and I knew nobody wants to be friend with me', and it just becomes about them, and how they are feeling abandoned, instead of focusing on what they can do to fix it, and see things from the other person’s perspective."
These are your patterns of emotional reactions, automatic thought, and behaviour. Can these patterns be changed?
"Yes," says Dr Ruksheda.
Some ways to do this is are by:
Being Objective
Dr Syeda says, taking a step back, and depersonalising from the situation can help you take an objective look at the situation.
"It's important is to surround yourself with the right kind of people who can keep strengthening your understanding of situations and supporting you," says Dr Chhibber.
Fact-checking Your Internal Narrative
See if there are more positive interpretations than the picture your mind is painting. Reminding myself of past instances where my conclusions were proved false, helped me rationalise these thoughts, and be less paranoid.
Looking Beyond Yourself
Zoom out of the situation and analyse if there are alternative explanations for their actions that may have nothing to do with you.
Communicate, Clarify
"A lot of the times people do not seek clarification, and operate on the basis of their assumptions about the situation," says Dr Chhibber.
"It is important to break this association because just one aspect is typically not used by anyone to make an inference about a person overall," she adds.
Ground Yourself With Positives
Not everyone will like you, and that's okay. But it's also important to "accept the fact that you are genuinely loved," says Dr Syeda.
Dr Chhibber adds that every person needs some sort of a validation that they're doing okay, and that they are loved. "Having a support system that provides you with that reinforcement when you need it, is important," she says.
Work On Yourself
"It's important to be able to focus on the strengths that you do have to understand what are your abilities, your capabilities," says Dr Kamna Chhibber.
"But, if you do notice that there are certain spaces where you know that there could be some improvement, you should actively work towards that so that you can keep giving your mind that feedback."
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