You Expect Hogwash at a Bolly Award Show and They Never Disappoint

Our Bollywood award shows have some staples that continue year after year.

Cameras will always pan in on the Bachchans and Rekha at every award show.

Here’s the dope.

OUR version of the Oscar or Golden Globe pre-award ceremony is like feeding a Punjabi vegetarian food. It is not palatable.

There is a gushing over-the-top TV actor who cannot believe he is hosting the red carpet.

Neither can we.

The moment Amitabh Bachchan walks in, you start scratching your head – or rather the pages of a film magazine. Okay, so he wasn’t really in any movie this year, his wife hasn’t been in one for many years and his son probably only plays Kabaddi now. That leaves the gorgeous daughter-in-law. But wait, an appearance at Cannes doesn’t bring nominations, not yet anyway (never underestimate Bollywood). So then it must be the Lifetime Award.

We can tell it’s going to be a tough night for the cameraman the moment Rekha, the self-styled but Bollywood proclaimed diva arrives. Her gold finery makes even Bappi Lahiri look like an Aam Aadmi party activist. The ‘silsila’ may have ended decades ago – or so we think – but it’s still an ‘affair to remember’. So a shot of Big B and you can almost hear the producer yell “cut to Rekha! cut to Rekha!”.

In between we get a glimpse of Ranbir Kapoor, not really shattered after the affair that wasn’t, finally ended. The over zealous camera man has panned and showed us Shakti Kapoor, Suneil Shetty’s lookalike daughter and half a dozen former contestants of Bigg Boss but Katrina Kaif is clearly not winning hearts or awards. (She’s probably tucked away with the ‘khan’daan.)

But Ranbir’s papa Chintu Kapoor is there and although no one is asking he has plenty to say. The son is back in the family fold but “it doesn’t matter what he does because he never asked me anyway”. Rishi Kapoor is having a second innings in the industry and is probably wondering why he had to buy that award for Bobby since “everyone gets one these days”.

His wife Neetu Singh is watching the dance acts and smiling happily that Sheila and her jawani are no where in the picture. The former actress is happy – Santa really did grant her wish even though ironically she had to miss the traditional Kapoor Christmas for that. Now she can line up a bevvy of pretty young Punjabi girls. She thinks, “I must ask Shahid Kapur’s wife Mira Rajput if she has any sisters in Delhi, these non-industry types are the best”.

The suitable boy himself is wondering if it is time to enter the Bhatt camp or rewind and play some badminton.

The man who never attends these awards strangely gets more attention sitting outside. He is in deep thought, “should I move my neck muscle once or twice, I should look just the right degree of profound”. We wait. He is after all a thinking man’s hero and we have to be ‘tolerant’ since he now confuses us and says no one is intolerant. Some of his heroines have long retired. (“One of these days I must go and visit Rani Mukherjee and her child”.)

If Aamir Khan was softening towards the awards, Sooraj Pancholi’s best debut actor has probably hardened him again. We meanwhile may need to go through his statements again in the Jiah Khan case – perhaps we underestimated his acting skills? His father, the very forgettable Aditya Pancholi may have passed on more than his non acting talent.

But there is more ‘bafflement payo’ re. Sonam Kapoor gets nominated for the best actress award and makes you wonder if Justin Beiber is actually a good singer. She is now coming as Neerja Bhanot, in a biopic on the flight attendant who was killed while saving passengers from hijackers. Either this will finally be her homecoming or we will all be going home quicker than we have ever done from the theatre.

In between, the powerful Smita Thackeray, the beautiful Sophie Choudhary (who and why!) and the real life supporting actor to all of Bollywood, Chunky Pandey make their award appearance. By now they have probably exhausted all different ways of saying “good evening Mumbai”.

But Barney Stinson’s ‘wait for it’ is wasted at these awards – especially the presentation for the best actor. With a deep flourish Rekha comes, kisses SRK or Hrithik Roshan’s forehead and calls them her sons. Thankfully Abhishek Bachchan has never won this award!

I don’t remember Rekha’s stardom being anywhere near that of a Madhubala or Vijayantimala. But strange are the ways of Bollywood and in the end these awards are like watching an Ekta Kapoor serial, it makes you numb with a storyline that left all sense at home.

(Jyotsna Mohan Bhargava is a former journalist who now divides her time between blogging and being a full time mother. Tweet to her @jyotsnamohan)