Post-Tiger Stress Disorder: ‘Baaghi 2’ Will Lull You To Sleep

The answer to all your questions? Tiger Wait-For-It Shroff

Would you go watch Baaghi 2?

(Photo: Facebook)

PTSD: Post-Tiger Stress Disorder.

Ahmed Khan's Baaghi 2 should, in public interest, begin with a disclaimer on Tiger Shroff. He’s not meant for the faint-hearted. If you can't take it, PTSD awaits you right outside the movie hall. If you can, then let's just say he is the answer to your life's quota of vicarious hero-panti. You learn, begrudgingly so, that Tiger is a dhishum-god who can single-handedly take on 500 scheming villains in a scene, without messing up his make-up.

PTSD and its effects.(Photo: Giphy) 

You do NOT Undermine the Power of Tiger Shroff

Aint for the faint-hearted!(Photo: Facebook)

He is the One-Who-Must-Be-Named. And mind you, in a single breath.

Because Tiger Shroff is bringing ‘macho’ (say it with me, in a rich baritone...for proper effect) back. And he deserves to be called ‘Tiger Shroff’ in a raspy, awestruck whisper.

He is the surrogate who takes you across plains, mountains, cars, motorbikes and jungles till you...stumble off the precipice of reason.

There is a scene where he is walking towards a helicopter (yes, a goddamn helicopter) filled with men brandishing sten guns. He is (obviously) not wearing a shirt, because one can't just let all that gym money go to waste, and it is almost as if his abs are singing 'Here Comes The Sun' in a Sylvester Stallone's voice to you.

The phenomenon that is Tiger Shroff. (Photo: Facebook)

Anyway, the sound of shots being fired rudely intervene at this point, and take you back to the Tiger’s jungle. You realise he’s not walking down the Fashion Week ramp and you get worried.

“He is not walking down a ramp, then?’’(Photo: Giphy)

Because there is an alarming number of shots being fired at him, and the Tiger is half-naked and seems, if I didn't know any better, oblivious to death staring him in the face.

But then you remember.

This isn't a regular movie. This is a Tiger Shroff movie. And nothing, I repeat, nothing...can happen to Tiger Shroff. He jumps a bit, from the left to the right, and then again, from the right to the left, and all shots are averted.

This isn’t a regular movie. This is a Tiger Shroff movie.(Photo: Facebook)

I could talk about the storyline and tell you exactly what you're in for. But that would just ruin things for the both of us. All I can say is that there is everything Bollywood has cataloged over the years:

1) Bodies that look like they're made of silicone.

2) An item number that will probably haunt Madhuri Dixit all her life.

3) A kidnapping that makes little sense.

4 ) A Rambo-esque figure whose primary kink is his triggered masculinity.

5) A corrupt officer.

6) A woman who helps highlight everything the man is, and she isn't.

A poster from the movie.(Photo: Facebook)

Bingo!

The perfect math, eh? Except, Baaghi 2 fails at this too. The exasperating incongruity of it all makes you want to hug the makers and whisper into their ears, ''There, there!''.

“There, There!’'(Photo: Giphy)

How does Ronnie, played by Tiger Shroff the Legend, brave hundreds of men armed with guns? Simple. They do not attack him at once. Even though they are all in the same place.

I feel like they were waiting in a queue.

Ronnie takes one or two down, grunting and fuming with adrenaline-addled enthusiasm; only then do the next two come in, guns blazing and all. This goes on till the queue thins itself out and Ronnie proves to us that he is invincible.

Ronnie proves to us that he is invincible.(Photo: Facebook)

Disha Patani, much to my dismay, could very well be a paper cutout. She plays Neha, the love of Ronnie’s life. Now, replace Neha with her paper cutout and you will get exactly what you got earlier.

At times, she even forgets to emote, and you’re left wondering if your eyes are playing a trick on you. Maybe she realised midway how bad the script was and decided to just let go.

Fair enough.

Couldn’t find a proper photo where Patani is the focus and not Shroff. Speaks volumes?(Photo: Facebook)

She is a mother pining for her lost child. She is Ronnie’s ‘pyaar’, who, at the very beginning, tells him that she has a pepper spray in case he tries something funny.

She is also the female lead who could have done so much more, but doesn't. (Or isn't made to.)

Manoj Bajpayee is the corrupt officer who pulls the strings and helps Neha’s husband kidnap the child, for reasons that will leave you craving for a drink. Bajpayee, for some reason, lives in a jungle and has made a lot of money through foul play. He looks like Chacha Chowdhury (without a turban) and has a dimaag that runs faster than a computer, but does not help him save his a**.

I will never know why Manoj Bajpayee agreed to do this to himself and this shall hound me all my life.

Why, Manoj Bajpayee, why?!(Photo: Gipy)

Randeep Hooda and Prateik Babbar (again, two fine actors) are made to portray characters that leave you completely puzzled.

Babbar plays a drug addict who is involved in the kidnapping and looks like a third-world Death Eater, while Hooda plays a ‘charsi’ police officer who looks like the poorest version of an Indian Jack Sparrow. 

Again, what are they doing in Baaghi 2?

The best part about Baaghi 2 is that it gives you enough time to check all your social media platforms. And update yourself.

Maybe your mail too.