62-Year-Old Conman Dupes Public for 58 Years

For over five decades, the accused, Kamal Haasan has conned the public numerous times. Here are details of the PIL.

For over five decades, the accused, Kamal Haasan has conned the public by adopting various disguises and personas. (Photo: Vikram Venkateswaran, who is rather pleased with himself right now)

A PIL (Please I’d like to meet Letter) has been filed against Tamil film industry’s Kamal Haasan, now 62 years old, alleging the duping of the public for over five decades.

Here are some of the crimes mentioned in the PIL, that the accused is said to have committed over his 58-year career as a conman.

The question of the ages. Right up there with ‘to be or not to be’, and ‘coffee or toffee’. (Photo: a smug Vikram Venkateswaran)

Moral Grey Area

This question arose in 1987, when the accused was in Mumbai, masquerading as a 60-year-old (he was then 33) mafia leader. He was questioned by a six-year-old boy, who everyone thought was his estranged grandson.

The Big Question (unresolved for 30 years)

Neenga Nallavara, Kettavara? (are you a the good guy or the bad guy?)

To which the accused replied, ‘I don't know.’ Over the decades, this has resulted in prolonged mental stress, crass on-screen iterations and imitations, endless memes, and needless speculation.

Twenty five years later, to the same question, he replied, ‘both’.

I mean, WTF?

Gender Bender

Komala Maami (40 years old, wears madisar, likes Abhishek Bachchan’s version of ‘Apdi Podu’) is currently undergoing psychiatric counselling to quell feelings of inadequacy. It all began twenty years ago, when the accused transformed himself (assuming he is actually male) into a 60-year-old Brahmin woman. In the few months she masqueraded as a ‘Chikni Chachi’, she has been termed a heartbreaker with a mean right hook and a sense of humour that could cut ice.

Komala Maami cooked with her for barely a day, for a house-warming function. She now obsessively adjusts her Madisar sari, while trying to sing ‘Macarena’ and ‘Ruk Ruk Ruk’ in 5 Kattai (Scale G). Needless to say, she invariably fails in both and proceeds to have a breakdown.

Enough With the Face Masks!

Eight years ago, diabetics in and around Chennai complained of a sudden shortage of atta (wheat flour) for their therapeutic chappatis. Preliminary investigations revealed that huge quantities of it was used to prepare dough for the accused’s face-masks. Apparently, Kamal Haasan, who was then AKA George W Bush AKA Narahasi AKA Nambi AKA....

Basically, he was then suffering from severe MPD (multiple personality disorder) and was counselled into donning over ten personas.

Kamal Haasan’s Dasavatharam (2008) used up most of the ‘atta’ to make face-masks for his ten different avatars. The prevalence of diabetes rose during this period, since the diabetics used this as an excuse to binge on Saravanabhavan’s overly ghee-rich paper roast.

Multi-Tasking Creates Job Rut in Film Industry

It is common knowledge that the accused, Kamal Haasan is from the film industry (though no one knows how he cocks a gun exactly like a special forces operative, or swings a stick like he was born to it).

But there have been repeated complaints ever since Appu Raja (1989) in which he essayed a double role, one of which was as a midget. This in itself forms a separate PIL, since he employed numerous tricks to dupe the gullible public into believing he was actually three feet tall.

Kamal Haasan duped the gullible public multiple times within just three hours, by playing a midget.

Read the full report HERE.

But the other issue is that the accused has taken on the jobs of literally everyone in the industry. From script writing, cinematography, choreography and playback singing, to handling lights and sweeping the studio floors afterwards.

Previously, I used to sell over two hundred glasses of tea. But after Kamal Haasan learnt to ‘pull’ the tea to one metre from me, he started preparing tea inside the studio itself. I hear he now pulls to 1.34 metres. I don’t know whether to feel proud of my student, or angry at my rival.

Unni (54), Tea-Master outside AVM Studios

Urban Legends

It is not in the interest of the society to feed the blind belief of the masses. Yet, by riding a wild bull while in his birthday suit, as Marudhanayagam (TBA, hopefully in my lifetime), the people now believe that the accused possesses balls of cast iron.

It is said he uses these to great effect, to stand against religious bigotry and the establishment.

When asked how he would like to plead, the accused stated, with an enigmatic smile, that was at once fondly familiar and primally irritating;

Guilty of all charges.