Dear Seinfeld - Be warned! India is not ready for something as serious as humour

As one of the world’s funniest guys gears up for his first stand-up act in Mumbai (14th & 15th March 2015), we take it upon ourselves to let him know that, what might be funny in Manhattan could get him arrested (and even his audience!) in Mumbai. 

The American comedian has been cracking people up for decades on his hugely popular television sitcom Seinfeld (1989-1998), and his fans in India (including me!) are hoping that all will be merry for our dear Jerry while he’s here. But a few words of caution:

Religion Is No Joke!

Religion is no laughing matter here. Your American sitcom is pretty relentless when it comes to taking digs at Jews and Christians. Though we hardly have any Jews, you might want to check with the AIB guys about how to deftly handle any pointed barbs at Christianity. This is not to say that Hinduism or Islam is easy game. We might not agree among ourselves on any one thing in this mighty universe, but when it comes to jokes, we are as easily offended as the other. Hey, don’t you dare mimic Sachin Tendulkar! Cricket aces all other religions here. 

No Sex Please! We Crossed A Billion Without That Dirty Thing

“Men we drive ourselves crazy. Men always want to marry a virgin, but during the act of sex on the wedding night we tell the women to say ‘you’re the best, you’re the best’, then afterwards we wonder better than who?”

Now Jerry, even if you said that in a stand up act and not on TV, that’s just not okay with us man! We take virginity very seriously, after all it subtly defines the line between a live-in relationship and marriage. Try something more generic from your stock like this one:

“Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.”

 Even better, address women empowerment with one of your originals:

“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom”. 

Or... maybe not! Someone may find the word ‘underwear’ offensive. So sex, body parts and any undergarments that cover it, is a no-zone. You don’t wanna poke it!

Nothing Gay About Homosexuality

Where should I even begin? India is still in denial of the supposedly “unnatural” concept of homosexuality so don’t go there till we learn to wrap our heads around it. Having sex with the same sex (or even talking about it for all practical purposes) is a criminal offence by law. Though the LGBT community will be up for a few laughs, it’s the homophobes that fill up our ruling class that you’d rather not tick off.

No Filthy Language

American cuss a great deal. Hollywood’s full of it. Well, Bollywood goes by the book when it comes to abusive language. In fact easier now as we have a list of prohibited words that our Central Board of Film Certification released just in time for your act. Steer clear of those and you’ll be fine. You might like saying ‘f**k’ quite a bit in your stand ups but take my advice and avoid it while you’re here. Keep it vague and clean. We’ll even pay as much as 7500 bucks for tickets to your show as long as you promise to tone things down a bit. We don’t want a controversy, just plain good humour is fine. We’ll still laugh whole heartedly while watching your “show about nothing” on TV or online.

I’m sure with your talent you can still scrape out a few original ones to lighten us up a bit. Stick to something vague like your quote about domestic discords, we Indians love those! 

“Men want to make women happy. We want to do it. We don’t know how to do it. Sometimes we do it, and we don’t know how we did it. We can’t ask how we did it because it looks like you don’t know what you’re doing. We can’t do nothing. If you do nothing, she says ‘I can’t believe you’re doing that.’ We say ‘I’m not doing anything.’ She starts crying”.