Correct me if I’m wrong – but to be a well-grounded ‘equalist’ in today’s age of subverted patriarchy, I must believe in the freedom of women, correct? Yes, I thought as much. And today’s professional women ARE an ambitious and independent people? Of course! Are you kidding me with these questions?
Then why have I met so few in my course of arranged marriage meetings? But more on that later.
For now, let’s rewind a little. Badly burnt from my last meeting, I told my mom in no unclear terms that if I was to go for an arranged marriage meeting, it would have to be with a woman who respected her own individuality. Someone who wanted to make something of herself – as I did. She wholeheartedly agreed.
Mothers are magicians. Just three weeks after that misadventure, the miracle worker called me at work and started screaming on the phone like Archimedes: Eureka! Eureka! I’ve found it! No, she didn’t really scream that. What she said instead – and in solemn pronouncement, was: “I have found her, I have found HER.”
Me: Who? What? Where?
Her: I have found your type of ‘ambitious’ girl! (She made it sound like a community.)
Me: You did? That was quick. But you know mum, I don’t think we should rush it – particularly after last time.
Her: No No, I have spoken to her at length. She is smart, independent and ambitious (that community again). Meet her today after work and see for yourself. She is a management consultant at a big corporate and did her MBA from Warwick University in England.
Me: That’s really impressive, then why would she marry me? I am losing faith in your choice of women for me, mom, especially after last time.
Mum: Listen, you’re 30. At this point I’d set you up with a chimpanzee.
Always that snide comment about the age; it physically hurt. I knew it was pointless to argue with her, because I could never win.
So I went.
An ‘Unconventional’ Meeting
The one upside to this meeting was that it was completely independent of parental supervision. This meant no dressed up barbie doll with tray full of goodies, no ‘we might live in Delhi but are still proud Bengalis’ kind of conversations and no fake pleasantries anywhere.
I have heard stories from my friends who have been privy to arranged marriage meetings. They’re usually at little cafes or secluded restaurants. But this girl instructed me to meet her at Indian Accent, one of the fanciest eating joints in the Capital.
The Rather Flabbergasting Conversation
My mother had told me she was a promising management consultant at one of the country’s leading corporate firms. This meant she wanted to go places, right? Wrong.
Here’s how my conversation with her went.
Her: You want kids, right?
Me: Kids? Ummm… maybe one kid. Things are so expensive these days that having more than one really puts you on the ledge.
Her: I’d like to have at least two. That way neither will grow up to be a loner.
Me: That does make sense.
Her: But I don’t want to have any for the next couple of years.
Me: Yeah, gives us time to financially prepare. Also, you won’t be able to work for at least a year after the baby is born, for health reasons of course.
Her: A year? More than that. We’ll have the second one soon after. I don’t want the age gap to be more than two years.
Me: So, ALL within the course of 4-5 years, then? Aah, it’ll be tough. Four people financially dependent on one salary. We’ll have to make some serious savings in the first couple of years. And think of freelance projects for both of us to work on until you can get back to work.
Her: How will I get back to work? When I have two children to raise? I can’t leave them to a domestic help or a crèche.
Me: Why not? The facilities are decent and nowadays, mostly, both parents are working. My niece and nephew grew up that way. They turned out just fine. And I am not saying immediately after birth either, but once they are in play school.
Her: Nah. I intend to stay at home and raise them.
Me: But what about your career? You’ve invested so much in it and from what I hear, you’re really good!
Her: Once you have a family, priorities change. Anyway, I don’t think that we think alike, so let’s just drop it. This will not work out.
Well, that was that. Neelu aunty and Gogi uncle’s daughter Cookie rejected me outright. But it left me with a long series of questions – with no real answers. Not everything in the arranged marriage market is black and white, did you know?
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