The Stranger in the Dark: How to Protect Yourself From a Stalker

A stalker’s is usually deluded – they believe the victim already loves them – and refuses to accept rejection.

A cousin once refused an ex-boyfriend back into her life. He reacted by slamming her against a wall and pinning her hands above her head till she screamed – and he fled. There were a flurry of insistent, furious, desperate phone calls soon after – following which she threatened to call the police on him. The threats stopped almost immediately.

My cousin was lucky. A quick perusal of most “how to stop your stalker before they get to you” articles on the internet will tell you that what my cousin did is one of the pivotal means to thwart a stalker. You must tell them, in no uncertain terms, and not more than once – psychiatrists insist – that you are not interested and that your next means will be to call the police. The threat must ring true, countering any recurring threats from the other side.

But, my cousin was lucky.

Swathi – the 24-year-old techie murdered at Nungambakkam railway station – was not.

Also Read: Suspect Upset By Unrequited Interest in Infy Techi Swathi: Cops

Behind the ‘Deluded’ Mind of a Stalker

“According to the National Centre for Victims of Crime, more than 1 million women are stalked every year – and one in every 12 women will be stalked in her lifetime. Men too are far from safe – with one in every 45 men stalked being every year,” reveals Dr Kamini Bhoir, a practising psychiatrist who also works as an honorary psychiatrist counsellor with the police department in Dadar, Mumbai.

The first point of action is to ‘identify a stalker’. And for a woman, rifling through innumerable fragments of unnecessary, unwanted male attention everyday, that is no mean feat. Things are no simpler for a male victim, fed repeatedly through years of social conditioning and backslapping jocularity that a female ‘stalker’ is something to pride oneself on.

Yet stalkers are far removed from tinsel town’s glorified versions of dancers in the streets.

Also Read: Don’t Blame Kollywood for Swathi’s Murder

Stalkers are deluded individuals. There is usually an underlying psychosis in their mind that the victim should love them – and probably already does – just that he/she doesn’t know it yet. This is why they don’t accept rejection easily.

Dr Kamini Bhoir

Of Moving Beyond Self-Blame & the Correct Means of Confrontation

Such individuals might suffer from a range of mental disorders – such as erotomania (a delusion in which a person usually believes that a person of a higher social status is in love with them), depression, bipolar disorder, paranoia, etc.

Most trauma experts recommend confronting a ‘potential stalker – but never more than once, and never in private places.

Do not hesitate to confide in your family and closest relatives. If you find someone showing up repeatedly at the spots you frequent – your house, the gym, the workplace, the tuition centre – do not let it go. Accept that you have every right to feel uncomfortable and then confront the person with a relative – always in public.

Dr Seema Hingorrany, Clinical Psychologist and Trauma Expert

Dr Bhoir believes this confrontation should be “assertive” rather than “aggressive”.

“Confront him/her only once – but adopt a firm tone, leaving no room for doubt that you are not interested. If the stalking persists, reach out to the police immediately.” An immediate show of aggression to a deluded, paranoid stalker, she feels, should not be the first step.

The Need for Counselling

Victims of stalking will often feel that they are responsible for the stalking to have begun in the first place, says Hingorrany. The usual victim-blaming tactics such as they must have incited the behaviour in the first place through attire, speech or action – or precipitated the stalking – are commonplace. In the most recent Salem tragedy, a 21-year-old woman committed suicide after morphed semi-nude pictures of her were uploaded by unidentified persons on Facebook. In her suicide note, she mentioned how her parents too had held her responsible for the incident.

Also Read: Man Arrested for Posting Morphed Nude Photos of Salem Girl Online

While counselling for the victim is paramount – “many show signs of anxiety and trauma and the inability to be anywhere alone, long after the stalker has been thwarted,” says Hingorrany – counselling for stalkers while in detention should be more than mandatory.

That would perhaps go a long way in obliterating horrific repeats of the Anand Parbat case. (In 2013, 19-year-old Meenakshi had lodged a complaint against her stalker of two years, and had him detained. Once out of prison, however – in July last year – the scorned assailant and his brother tracked her down and stabbed her 35 times in broad daylight).

Dr Bhoir concurs:

“At the police hospital, we offer counsel to both survivors of assault, as well as the perpetrators. The latter often don’t feel any guilt for their actions, believing that they did no wrong. This needs to be broken and dealt with accordingly.”