Why Rohith Vermula’s Suicide Note is an Anguished Letter to India

Rohith Vermula always wanted to be a writer and here’s his last letter.

When we began compiling our ‘Letters to India’ written by various people – on the occasion of Republic Day – we knew this one would be right at the top of the list.

This is Rohith Vermula’s suicide letter. It is the last letter he ever wrote – and here’s why it’s so important.

Rohith’s letter – we will refrain from calling it a suicide note because it so much more than just that – is addressed to no one in particular, and yet to everyone who reads it.

It might have been his last letter, but it was his whole heart.

“I always wanted to be a writer. A writer of science, like Carl Sagan. At last, this is the only letter I am getting to write.”

And so we’ll honour him, sans politics and commentaries – if just for the moment – through his love for writing. Through his letter.

His letter to India.

   

   

Good morning,
     
I would not be around when you read this letter. Don’t get angry on me. I know some of you truly cared for me, loved me and treated me very well. I have no complaints on anyone. It was always with myself I had problems. I feel a growing gap between my soul and my body. And I have become a monster. I always wanted to be a writer. A writer of science, like Carl Sagan. At last, this is the only letter I am getting to write. I loved Science, Stars, Nature, but then I loved people without knowing that people have long since divorced from nature.
     
Our feelings are second handed. Our love is constructed. Our beliefs colored. Our originality valid through artificial art. It has become truly difficult to love without getting hurt.
     
The value of a man was reduced to his immediate identity and nearest possibility. To a vote. To a number. To a thing. Never was a man treated as a mind. As a glorious thing made up of star dust. In very field, in studies, in streets, in politics, and in dying and living.I am writing this kind of letter for the first time. My first time of a final letter. Forgive me if I fail to make sense.
     
Maybe I was wrong, all the while, in understanding world. In understanding love, pain, life, death. There was no urgency. But I always was rushing. Desperate to start a life. All the while, some people, for them, life itself is curse. My birth is my fatal accident. I can never recover from my childhood loneliness. The unappreciated child from my past.
     
I am not hurt at this moment. I am not sad. I am just empty. Unconcerned about myself. That’s pathetic. And that’s why I am doing this.

People may dub me as a coward. And selfish, or stupid once I am gone. I am not bothered about what I am called. I don’t believe in after-death stories, ghosts, or spirits. If there is anything at all I believe, I believe that I can travel to the stars. And know about the other worlds.

If you, who is reading this letter can do anything for me, I have to get 7 months of my fellowship, one lakh and seventy five thousand rupees. Please see to it that my family is paid that. I have to give some 40 thousand to Ramji. He never asked them back. But please pay that to him from that. Let my funeral be silent and smooth. Behave like I just appeared and gone. Do not shed tears for me. Know that I am happy dead than being alive.

“From shadows to the stars” Uma anna, sorry for using your room for this thing. To ASA family, sorry for disappointing all of you. You loved me very much. I wish all the very best for the future. For one last time, Jai Bheem,

I forgot to write the formalities. No one is responsible for my this act of killing myself. No one has instigated me, whether by their acts or by their words to this act.
This is my decision and I am the only one responsible for this. Do not trouble my friends and enemies on this after I am gone.

Rohith Vermula  

 

Audi India is proud to be a part of India’s progressive growth and salutes the spirit of India.

(Do you ever feel like talking to India? Yes, perfect. This is your chance to write to her to tell her how you feel about her. You could be bitchy, angry, happy, emotional or spoofy. But if your answer is No – nevermind, there is always a beginning. Let’s start here. Send us what you want to tell your India and we will publish it. Don’t be shy, just say it all. Mail us your letter at [e-mail] . We’ll ensure India gets your message.)