Namaste! No Sex Please: An Open Letter to Russell Brand

A letter to Russell Brand on the perils of getting comedy wrong in India.

Dear Russell Brand

As you would say, Namaste!

Welcome to India. We have been told that you will be gracing our ancient and glorious country with your presence to perform at Comedy Central’s Chuckle Festival. A noble thought indeed. But, in a word of caution for the unwarranted, beware that we are a different kind of funny people.

In India, we like our comedy along with a good healthy dash of drama. Sometimes you can get away with a good joke, but I wouldn’t count on it. You are already in the news, so chances are someone somewhere is waiting to pounce on anything you say, which they can label offensive. They will say your humour is against Indian culture. And please don’t bother about figuring out a logic as to what counts as offensive, and what doesn’t. There is none.

But here’s how you can spend a persecution-free time in India. 

Sex Tops the No-No List.

Did you know that sex is an import from the West? Yes, before the Occident sent that horrible addiction our way, we Indians lived uncorrupted, as Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. So please bear in mind that you are an agent of Satan. Tread carefully. Oh, and don’t make any Biblical references such as this. We are a secular nation and singular references to a particular religion is sin, sorry, paap.

Coming to religion, this clip I saw on YouTube of you performing somewhere with Hindu Gods in the backdrop, is outrageous. And you talk sex in front of such imagery? If you don’t have a death wish, it is advisable to abstain from such practices here.

And those gestures. Hare Krishna! you can’t do that.

Such talk, along with those gestures, will land you in a giant pot of boiling sambhar!

But maybe you’ll get away without any drama. You are English and you talk really fast. Just make sure you spew out all the unavoidable sex and religion stuff as hurriedly as you can. Ok?

I don’t mean to cause further alarm, it’s just that you are, or were into everything that is against Indian culture and tradition — sex, drugs, those clothes, that hair, supporting gay rights. And to top everything, you have now started talking about politics.

And don’t you even think of going all Messiah Complex on us, because we have one true messiah and no one can make fun of him. Ever.

To make things clearer still, let me tell you about a scandalous Roast that some of our dirty boys put up on YouTube earlier this year. But thanks to the guardians of Indian culture, the horrid thing was taken off. They called it comedy, but it was just a bunch of people calling each other all these godawful things and gesturing in lewd ways. Sounds familiar?

So just be careful. Make jokes about how people don’t do Yoga, how homosexuality is such a disease, and women’s rights, hahahahaha, that’s the biggest joke in itself.

Here’s wishing you all the best for your trip.

As our master and commander said famously in New York last year: “May the force be with you!”